Distractions

Years between Posts.

2011-04-28T18:10:00.000-07:00

I think Piper said that......... " I love how you have years in between posts"

Yes I do, Piper, because there is so much time in between that I can hardly bear to deal with.

So, is it really wrong, that I read a few years of my blogging efforts, and find that I crack my own ass up?

What did Confucious say....... "woman that fly plane upside down have crack up."????

My grandmother learned how to fly a plane....... I just crack my own ass up. With no pilots license.

Humpty Dumpty was cracked....

2009-09-15T23:17:00.000-07:00

Oh Gawd!

Here I have gone yet again, where no sane woman should go! Into the hellish halls and back alleys of internet dating.

Now, I am a strong woman, I am even perhaps a brave woman. Shall I also admit that I am sometimes a foolish woman? Meaning, one who can be fooled?

And yeah. And fooled I was. Or was it that I was just, oh, hopeful? Could be.

So there I was, recently "single" again. Meaning that I was no longer exclusive....... with "Mr. Too Nice but kinda Weird Guy". So once again, I jumped into the fray.

Lots of guys, which stands to reason if you go on a site called "Plenty of Fish". Lots of guys. I am always surprised at who contacts me....... I just sit and wait, I don't usually contact any of them first. But even tho I am quite clear in my profile, some mighty inappropriate "matches" seem to be attracted to me. I sort through them fairly quickly, while maintaining consideration, you know, I'm not mean or anything.

In my profile, I make it clear that I like horses, Harleys and fishing. Also a sense of humor, and I don't do religion, politics or spectator sports. So, finally when one guy contacted me, that seemed like a really dead on match, I was excited. He even had a killer sense of humor! I was ready to meet him! Which I did.

Well, he looked like Humpty Dumpty. Now did I mention that I am fairly tolerant of some things and hugely intolerant of others? I can deal with a bit of digression away from the "tall dark and handsome" which would be optimal in the physical department. So I decided to continue on. Even tho he had a bad tooth, by the way.

(No, let's not talk about my tooth, this isn't the time or place.)

He had a bad tooth, so much so, that I couldn't decide whether to nickname him SnaggleTooth instead of Humpty Dumpty. All my men have had their own special name.

I have had..... uh, McKrackhead, the Voice, PPM, and others that were so brief, I have forgotten them. Oh, and StudMuffin 1, and StudMuffin 2. Some just earned the generic name of JackAss. There was one infamous one, that couldn't be called anything but....... (careful here, for my nice nieces) uh, TeenyWeenieWobblyNobbly.

Nuff Said. Sorry girls.

Anyway, I was thinking that Humpty Dumpty was a pretty dang good match for me, except for the afforementioned traits. He looked like a Large Egg, with a hang dog tooth. I could get over that, as long as he made me laugh, rode horses with me, took me on the back of his Harley, and went fishing! Thought it just might work out!

Until the "Move". Oh, not that move yet, the other move. The one where he was moving from Tonasket to Sunnyside. The other move came soon after.

So I was gonna help him move. Being the romantic that I am, and loving living in a slightly unconventional way, I really wanted to see how this man had lived for the past six years, in the wilds of Tonasket on his acreage on the river. I drove up with him, had a wonderful talk in the truck on the way, all about respect, waiting for things to be right, yada yada yada.... before anything happened.... finding the perfect special place and time....... I had all the time I "needed", according to him.

Then we arrived. Dead smack on the highway. Barely across the railroad tracks. Wait! Was that shitty trailer really what he had been living in? Wait. Don't jump to conclusions. It probably looks way better inside.

Wrong. As soon as I stepped inside, my olfactory senses were assaulted with dirty dog and mold smell. I had no sooner registered those things, when I was also assaulted by him! Yes, Humpty Dumpty Snaggle Tooth, was grabbing me for a kiss, but that's not all! He was grabbing my boobs, and altho I was protesting heavily and running away from him, he managed to grope my crotch, and anything else he could lay a hand or two on!

So much for all that bullshit he spouted!

Finally he quit..... but not before he totally ruined any emotional attraction I had for him. I got through the day, helped him move, kept a pleasant demeanor, got home, went to sleep, and woke up the next day totally pissed.

Some of us are slower than others.

So, I wrote him an email, nicely told him where the bear shit, not to contact me etc, then I blocked his phone #, blocked his email, and bought a 357 magnum.

I can't wait. This will be like Mafia Wars, only in real life!

Just kidding. I have no gun. The word is always mightier than the sword, anyhow.

NEXT!

The Cabin

2009-04-28T18:33:00.000-07:00

The Cabin, or should I say, the Double High Knuckle Ranch?

I am moving, out of the Vortex where I have resided for a year, and tried to sell for about 2 years, up to the hills, into a cabin. And when I say cabin, it is definitely a cabin. It has electricity, but no running water. I have a deal with the owners, I fix it up at my expense, and I can live there rent free for a year.

So, I start to do the math. How much is it worth to live somewhere for a year? How much should I allot for rent? That pretty much puts a cap on how much I want to spend.....

The wiring was frightening. Someone who had little or no clue, did it. All the wires went under the house, stapled to the joists, and came up through the studs. So did all the bugs, sage bugs to be exact. Millions of them. I took off all the cheap paneling, and discovered that the majority of insulation was dead bugs. Ick. Oh, and the wasps came in through all the holes up above that the woodpeckers had pecked under the eaves..... hundreds of them. Wasps, not holes.

I don't care to share my abode with the insect world, so I have speedily proceeded to remedy those situations.

I have caulked, I have had an electrician rewire the entire cabin, I have plugged all the under house holes with steel wool, I have gone around with that expanding foam and foamed the hell out of the place. I replaced the R7 insulation with R13. I am putting up sheetrock in place of the paneling. I hope that will do the trick.

I tried my hand and hammer at framing, and put up a small closet. It had none. Now it has one. I moved the wood stove which was sitting on loose bricks ( with hundreds of dead bugs in between) and I am putting in a river rock stone hearth. I am rocking the wall behind the stove. I must admit, it will look so bitching when I am done.

Now the fun part, is that it has no running water. Electricity yes, but no running water. I have a small reservoir tank, which I can fill, which is plumbed to the hot water tank, and the shower and bathroom sink. It has no kitchen plumbing, so this is another challenge. Fortunately, I have a few male friends which are not as plumbing challenged as I am, so I am willing to let them impress me.

Notice I didn't mention a toilet? It HAD a plumbed toilet which I promptly removed and took to the dump. I have absolutely NO desire to haul water, just to flush a toilet, when a readily available and easy solution is to be had. I am putting in a minature version of a composting toilet, AKA the sawdust toilet. Basically it is a 5 gallon bucket, built into a wooden box, topped off with a nice toilet seat that you do your stuff into. Everytime, you cover it with a layer of sawdust or humus type material. It doesn't smell, it is totally hygienic, but it DOES take some getting used to not to flush the toilet. When the bucket is full, it is taken out to the compost pile, covered with more material (straw or leaves) and left to compost for up to a year. The pile is contained so that animals don't get into it, and when it is ready, can be used on the garden.

Seriously! My son Jamie has been using a sawdust toilet for quite some time, and swears by it. I told a girlfriend about the concept, and she put one in her "Shackteau", and said it was the best! Much better than an outhouse by far, and even better than one of those expensive composting toilets which can cost up to a thousand dollars or more.....

I love the internet! The things you find there! That's where I found this. Just google "Humanure".

So I can have my horse up there and ride forever........ it butts up to DNR land, and I cannot wait! That black beauty needs to be ridden.

And me? I can hike "Mels Mountain" and get in shape for the Pacific Crest Trail trek that I keep saying I want to do some day.......

Right from my doorstep.

And the view, yes, I have a view of the Ellensburg Valley.... while sitting on my deck... with a cool one.

I have the whole southern side of the cabin all in glass. For a sun loving gal like me, that is heaven. I have lived in homes where I had no sun, too many trees, and a location on the southern slope (which means way less sun). Depressing and moldy.

Oh, and it has a creek running through the property.... if I go down to it, I cannot see a house, a road, not a soul. That is where I plan on putting the "beer garden" and my hot tub. Now, this is not just ANY hot tub, but a serious hot tub. I will get a claw foot bathtub, build it over a "tube" that runs underneath it, up to a stove pipe on one end, and a little firepit dug in the ground at the other end.

Once you light a fire in the firepit, you go and get a draft going in the "chimney" on the other, and it makes a whoosh like a rocket, and creates a draft for the fire to keep burning. It heats air underneath the tub, and heats the tub up so much, you have to have a wooden board to sit on so you don't burn your ass.

Now you just wait for the cannibals to come out of the woods to see if you are "done".

On a clear night with a glass of wine, stars..... what more could a girl ask for?

Except for maybe that "man" to share it with sometimes.......

He's gonna have to be quite the man, to keep up with me. Doncha think?

Friends Will Be Friends

2009-04-12T23:40:00.000-07:00

Another red letter day
So the pound has dropped and the children are creating
The other half ran away
Taking all the cash and leaving you with the lumber
Got a pain in the chest
Doctor's on strike
What you need is a rest

It's not easy love, but you've got friends you can trust
Friends will be friends
When you're in need of love they give you care and attention
Friends will be friends
When you're through with life and all hope is lost
Hold out your hands, 'cuz friends will be friends right til the end

Now it's a beautiful day
The postman delivered a letter from your lover
Only a phone call away
You tried to track him down but somebody stole his number
As a matter of fact
You're getting used to life without him in your way

It's so easy love, 'cuz you got friends you can trust
Friends will be friends
When you're in need of love they give you care and attention
Friends will be friends
When you're through with life and all hope is lost
Hold out your hands, 'cuz friends will be friends right til the
end

It's so easy now, 'cuz you got friends you can trust
Friends will be friends
When you're in need of love they give you care and attention
Friends will be friends
When you're through with life and all hope is lost
Hold out your hands
Friends will be friends
Right to the end
Friend will be friends
When you're in need of love they give you care and attention
Friends will be friends
When you're through with life and all hope is lost
Hold out your hand, 'cuz right til the end
Friends will be friends, yeah

Free cat, with small rehoming fee.....

2009-03-06T22:18:00.001-08:00

Cat from the Devil (Ellensburg)

Reply to: comm-zcaam-1063965755@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}
Date: 2009-03-06, 9:03PM PST

OK, so here is the deal. Back when I was married, with children living at home, my son had some girls that gave him a little black kitten. My daughter had a boyfriend that gave her a little gray and white kitten. Not to be outdone, I found a kitten for myself. Three kittens. Should have been OK, but when they became teenagers, all heck broke loose. The black cat earned the nicknames "Coniption" or as I preferred to call her, "Al Quida" She decided to terrorize my cat, who developed quite the victim complex.

My son left home, my daughter left home, I left home. I took my cat with me, and the other cats remained with the ex-husband. After awhile, he decided to not let the other two cats into the house anymore, and then he neglected to feed them. Finally, I rescued the other cats from him and brought them to my new house. They were SO skinny and half starved. They have now gained their weight back, and winter is almost over. But Coniption just beats the heck out of my cat! Now my kittys tail looks like it has some sort of poodle clip, because she is missing so much hair from it.

Enough is enough.

As far as cats go, Coniption isn't too bad, (except for her bullying tendencies). She uses a litter box, almost exclusively, even though the other cats prefer the great outdoors to poop and pee in. She begs for your food whenever you are eating. If you don't watch her, she will jump on the counter or the table to try to get food. The other cats have better manners. Coniption likes men better than women, (or at least me), but she is basically friendly and loving. She will curl up in your lap. She can hold her own against dogs. Nice to children. Just meaner than snot to my poor cat.

She is fixed, and has had her shots. Except the final one that I am tempted to give her.

Her options are this: Quit beating up my cat, (not gonna happen), go back to live with the animal abuser, my ex spouse, a trip to the local chinese restaurant, or you.

You can save her. A small rehoming fee applies. I will give you $1.00 to take this monster off my hands. I am sure you won't regret it.

Round Peg in a Square Hole

2009-02-23T19:11:00.000-08:00

What a weekend! I am still reeling from the fun of it all, but contemplating the seriousness of it all at the same time. Where do I start?

I have a good friend, as good a friend, as friends can be. Carl. Love that man! This is the type of man/friend who calls it as he sees it, who is not afraid to be introspective, who is not afraid to see a different viewpoint, who is not afraid to be challenged, and is not afraid to bring all those strengths to his daily life actions and interactions.

I like to think I am the same way. I HOPE I am the same way. But I catch myself sometimes. I catch myself trying to fit myself (a round peg) into a relationship or situation that doesn't really work (a square hole).

I think we all do this sometimes. We want to make nice, we want to not make waves, we want things to sail smoothly. We think that what we are presented with, is the best we can hope for, the best we deserve, the best we can get, whether it be jobs, finances, living situations or relationships.

So we struggle with "our reality". We keep on going to that job that sucks the life out of us. We complain about the money we don't have, but never quite find the answer to obtain what we need. We continue to live in a situation that we find uncomfortable, or even downright intolerable without figuring out how to change it. We find ourselves being swept along in a relationship that has already had several red flags raised.

But sometimes we get a knock along side the head. A knock that "puts some sense" back into us. Sometimes we get a series of knocks, one right after the other. (What do I have to do to get your attention?)

I think I have a concussion.

I recently lost my jobs. As in plural. Not one, but two. I worked two jobs for the past couple of years, just to try to keep my head above water. It was tough, working 7 days a week for months on end. But it was tougher to all of a sudden not have any job to go to. My income was cut totally in half, even with unemployment. Bills that I had struggled to pay when I was working, just don't get paid now. I am rethinking my whole financial outlook. What I was doing, no matter how hard I was doing it, wasn't working, and once the Universe lobbed me a good smack, I have had no choice but to scrutinize my desires, my goals, my beliefs, my willingness and my motivation. I am undergoing a metamorphosis.

And relationships. Ah, the dating dilemma. Being single now, for a couple of years, I have had the pleasure and pain of trying to make a connection with the opposite sex. Not an easy task I found out. I have gone out with many a toad. Usually just once, but some of the ones with less warts, got another date or two out of me.

Recently, I joined the dating fray again, and thought I had some better success. Most of them were just "one timers" but a couple were not. One of them I actually recently dated for several months, taking it really slow. Reeeaaaaally Slow.

There was some "substance" there. There was kindness there. There was generousity. Introspection. All good qualities. I require those in a relationship.

But there was some fucking weirdness there also. I tried to overlook it, I tried to shove it off to the side, ignore it, hide my irritation and discomfort. After all, there was a LOT of other "nice" qualities.... very "nice" qualities.

I juggled my thoughts and feelings over the small ones...... like what grown man tells you he has to go "peepee"? Or says "oopsie" all the time? Or "allrighty then"? And the jokes that just weren't funny? Trust me, they just weren't funny.

The inner bitch raised her head, just a tad.

I try to make her behave, that inner bitch. But being the bitch that she is, she finds a way to make her feelings known, no matter what I want.

Carl helped point that out to me. He knows me that well. I am transparent to him, because he pays attention.

But it was those HUMONGOUS red flags, the ones that obliterated the vision and hope of where I wanted to go with this relationship, even tho it wasn't all that far. It was THOSE flags, that got me to look at myself.

Why am I willing to settle? Why don't I have the trust and belief in myself and my "deservedness"? Why am I trying to stuff my round peg self into a square hole relationship?

So, coming back to center, finding my truth and embracing it, I honored myself and my value.

I dumped the dork.

By Popular Request

2008-12-30T14:57:00.000-08:00

I have promised to update my blog.....to satisfy the voyeuristic tendencies of some readers. Where shall I start? I suppose I shall catch up on my dating escapades, capture my thoughts and inclinations before they are doomed to that fuzzy half recall when the initial horror has passed.

Most recent first. Last night. Oh, the horror! The horror!

But let's back up, and lay the background a bit. Since I work in a truck brokering firm, I talk to truck drivers on a daily basis. I met my good friend Carl on the phone. He is a truck driver. I loved his voice from the moment I heard it. I still love his voice. He has the best.voice.evah. After a couple of years of business talk, he "invited" me out to dinner when he was coming through town. Because I thought it would be prudent to be cautious, I arranged for my friend and boss Pam to perform a reconnaissance mission on him, to check him out to make sure he wasn't short, fat and disgustingly ugly. He passed, so I went out to dinner with him and decided that he was fabulous. We have been fast friends ever since. Too bad he has a silly bimbo for a girlfriend. I am waiting for him to see the light.

Meanwhile I date. Back to last nights date. So this OTHER truck driver hauled a load for me, and talking to him on the phone, he seemed to have a good sense of humor. The banter flew fast and furious. He called me after hours, (while I was on a date with eyebrow man), and asked me if 1) I was married, 2) if I had a boyfriend, 3) if I wanted a boyfriend, and 4) if I would go out to dinner with him when he came through town.

Since I had such good luck with Carl, I said "maybe". Besides, he had the cool name of Rock.

So last night, I did, I went to dinner with him.

I go to pick him up at the Shell Station. He wasn't quite ready for me, and it took him several minutes of ???????? before he exited his truck. (Just what was he doing?) Later he apologized, saying that he hadn't been out of his truck for several hours. (Can you say "trucker toilet"?)

He climbed into my truck, and I noticed this all pervasive cloying odor of cheap dollar store cologne on him that would gag a maggot. I mean seriously! I am sure it was meant to be alluring, but it was odious. I would much rather have smelled his stinky cigarette aroma instead. The mixture was heinous. Rhymes with anus.

He gives me the once over, and tells me that he likes what he sees. Great.

We drive to the diner, and to my credit, I don't roll the windows down and stick my head out for air like a labrador. I have good manners like that.

So we eat dinner, and the man just keeps STARING at me!!! He asks me if I am disappointed, he asks me if he passes.... (don't say gas, just don't do it) He leaned over me and gave me a squeeze and asked me if everything is OK. Oh please. I steer the conversation to something safe, like children. He tells me that his youngest is 22, and for some reason, still lives with his mother. I tell him that my youngest is also 22 and for some odd reason also still lives with his mother. He gets my drift, and then says "So, I guess you won't be taking me home with you tonight?"

What do you, dear readers think?

Finally the intermitable dinner is over and I am driving him back. He asks to see my hand, then proceeds to fondle and stroke it before I overcame my shock and took it back. I threw up a little bit in my mouth, but he didn't know it. Good manners once more.

So, I pull up, he says, "am I gonna get a hug?"

I say, "no".

"Oh. Well, do you want to get out and see the inside of my truck?"

I say "no".

"Oh, I just thought maybe you had never seen one."

I say, "I have."

OK, bye. Bu bye now, bu bye

I called my friend Carl, and he had to talk me down for an hour and a half.....

Later Carl texted me and asked me if I was gonna be doing any "Rock climbing" in my dreams....

What a funny man!

Oh Baby!

2008-11-20T12:12:00.000-08:00

Well, little baby Landon made a surprise appearance last Sunday, the 16th of November! He wasn't supposed to show up until sometime in December.... but he just couldn't wait! And now that he is here, everyone is quite delighted about it.

So, there I was, sleeping soundly at 3 am, when my phone rang. Since I had gone to bed at 1 am, I was deep in the thoes of dead woman sleep. But I woke up, was fairly disoriented, and got the news from Rusty that he and Brook were on their way to the Ellensburg hospital via ambulance in order to have an emergency C-section!

Way to throw a curve ball!

I finally gathered my wits about me, along with my clothes (should I wear them or not?), and made my way to the hospital. I met them in the laborish room, along with the doctor. Brook was having an ultrasound....... to check on the placenta previa.... I looked at her tummy, thinking "this is NOT gonna be a very big baby!" She is so teeny, and her tummy definitely didn't resemble any of MY 4 pregnant tummies. And, of course she WAS a month early.

I knew they were both very nervous, and so I just tried to be as placid as possible. Then the staff took her into the OR, and I waited out in the waiting room. Rusty, of course went in with her. The doctor told me it would probably be about an hour. Meanwhile, a friend showed up with their bags, (they couldn't bring them in the ambulance), and Brooks mother and brother also arrived. We were just placing bets on Landons birth weight, when Rusty walked by with a bundle in his arms!!!!

Little Landon! Who turned out to not be all that little at all!

He weighed in at 7 lbs, half an ounce, and stretched out to a respectable 19 and 3/4 inches long!

And so beautiful! Unbelievably beautiful! I haven't ever had much contact with a c-section baby before, but MAN! Just beautiful and perfect! He got to skip all the squishing and squashing, mooshing and mashing that happens during a regular birth. Beautiful!

Mommy and Baby and Daddy have all made it home now, and are doing nicely!

I lost the bet, I thought he would be 5 lbs, 10 oz. Brooks Mom won. She thought he would be 7 lbs.

But, what a winner we all are, to have this little boy in our family! He will be spoiled rotten by his 4 big sisters, and the rest of the family! I can't wait to get started.

All the Juicy Details

2008-10-17T14:06:00.000-07:00

OK, I just couldn't deal with my fat ass anymore. I had to do something about it.

So I had been halfheartedly trying to watch what I eat (and drink), which hasn't worked at all. I lost quite a bit of weight about 10 years ago, by following the "Fit for Life" plan, which basically is only fruits until noon, then veggies with starches, or veggies with protein, but no starches and protein at the same meal. This means no grilled cheese sandwiches, no buns with your burgers, no baked potato with your steak. I did it and it worked very well, until I ate "regular" again. I have tried several times to go back to it, but there is definitely a difficult time to get through at first.... like coffee withdrawal, sugar withdrawal......

This time, I decided to get a jump start on the program..... by going on a 30 day fresh juice fast. Yup, that's right, 30 days of only drinking juice. I have a juicer, hell, I actually have two of them. So I juiced a couple of gallons of apple juice, and then I was off and running.

I am on day 6 today, and it is going well. The first couple of days were slightly difficult, what with not having my number one vice, coffee. But I am over the headache from that, and it actually wasn't too bad at all. The juice gave me so many nutrients that any headache was really mild. So, I am not too hungry, not craving much of anything. That's good. Five pounds down.

But, a word of caution to anyone thinking they should try this. If you juice some cabbage? Drink it right away. Don't take it to work with you and pour it into a glass and drink it for lunch. Your co-workers will be gagging, and complaining that their eyes are burning. All the while, you will be laughing your ass off, kind of embarrassed like, because it REALLY does smell like dog farts.

Or so they told me.

And no, it wasn't ME making the smell. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Are we Dedjet?

2008-09-11T13:56:00.000-07:00

Here it is, Thursday. The week is almost over. It has definitely been quite a week.

But at least I am here, and I can type this.

I was walking across the street this morning, on my way to work. I stepped off the curb, into the crosswalk. There was a car on the other side of the intersection, at the stop sign. It started across the intersection and just kept going, headed right for me. I looked, saw that the passenger was looking down, and so was the driver. I JUMPED back (they were about 6-8 feet from me, and not slowing down), and THREW my car keys as hard as I could at the car window. About 20 feet up the street, she puts on the brakes, and backs up to where I was standing there, looking at her totally dumbfounded. She starts yelling at me for throwing something at her car, and I tell her that she nearly ran me over. She told me that she wouldn't have run me over, and I tell her that she very seriously nearly did! She keeps yelling at me, and then I turn, and there was this dude on a motorcycle, who had seen the whole thing and had stopped right by me. He told her, "Lady, you really almost hit her". She still didn't believe it I guess, and told me once more... "I wouldn't have hit you". I turned back to the guy on the motorcycle, touched his arm, and said "You saw it all? She nearly hit me?" He said yes, I wanted to hug him, but just said thank you.

Finally, I just looked at her.... and said "Honey? You would have hit me."

So then I walked away, but was seriously shaken up. Man alive! I guess she never looked up, never saw me, never saw that I was directly in front of her and that if I hadn't jumped back when I did, she would have mowed me down.

Of course, that was my excuse for why I was a couple of minutes late to work this morning. I think it was the best one yet.

Plagierism

2008-08-28T10:15:00.000-07:00

Ya know? I have been doing some thinking lately, along the lines of thoughts that a friend of mine once verbalized in his blog. His viewpoint, his outlook struck so many true chords in my psyche... I am going to post it here.

************************************************************************************

Curious.

I'm supposed to be working, but I can't concentrate. My head is swimming. I can't find a salient thought to hold on to, rather, every moment that passes leads to another introspection. I'm not going to fight it anymore, just going to start typing, and try to find the bottom of the rabbit hole here.

A friend I talked to recently told me "you're so tall, and I love your blue eyes.."
Instead of the normal reaction, one of pride or conceit, I felt the opportunity, the burden to educate.

"I'm so tall, and you love my blue eyes. Can you tell me what I did to create these eyes? Did some hard work or righteousness in the eyes of god lead to my above average height, or my incredible ass? Or is it possibly that you are so trivial and petty that you look at people only with your own eyes?" It didn't take long to recognize the slow, low hum of ringtone.

I am made of the same cosmic matter as everything else. There is no compound within my body which is unique throughout the universe, and the same covalent bonds and crystalline lattice structures holding the rest of the universe together are here, also, on this planet, and yes, indeed, inside of me..

Things that matter, and things that don't…
Your exterior skin coloration, your body style, hair color... I liken it to a shopping bag..
When you go to the grocery store, you meander up and down the aisles, placing food, toiletries, etc in your cart.. these are the things that matter..

When you check out, you are given a means of transporting these goods, a transmission medium, if you will. A shopping bag.

You didn't go shopping for the shopping bag. You didn't choose it. But it's yours to take home, and do with as you please. Recycle it. Trash it. Burn it, it doesn't matter.

But the things that you purchased, the things that are delivered IN that shopping bag? They are the things that YOU chose. For the nourishment of your family, of yourself. The betterment (hopefully) of your life. These are the things that you desire, that you want, for yourself, your family. But the vessel? The medium, the device of transmission? These things do not matter on any level..

What matters to me, is a pure, true connection, a unity of thought and deed..

As Carl Jung puts it: The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is a reaction, both are transformed.

Another thing came to mind. When you take physics, you learn the Law of Conservation of Energy; that there is neither matter, nor energy created or destroyed in the universe, merely transferred. Using this logic, it's fair to assume:
The strength in us has always been.
The strength in us is in all things; people, planets, stars, gods..
All things are everything, and we are all made of the same cosmic matter...
We are organic, and we live in a time not only of injustice, but of un-just-ness. And it's up to each of us, on our own terms, to reclaim our birthright as sentient, powerful beings, to live together with others in accord, with peace, and with true, pure harmony. The blood that flows in our veins was once a star in some far-off, long extinct and forgotten galaxy.. We are eternal, and what we can become collectively far exceeds what we are individually.

I'm just sayin'.

**********************************************************************************

And I am agreeing..... for the most part

The Tooth Fairy is for the Birds

2008-08-12T09:50:00.000-07:00

Man!

This tooth thing is such a pain in the ass. Where did I put it? Where did I leave it? Did I wash my jeans with my tooth in my pocket? If I did, can I fish it out of the washing machine? Will I drop it down the sink while washing it? Will I eat something sticky and have it come out?

So yesterday morning, I look for my tooth (where did I leave it, where did I put it?), and search the usual locations. Nada. I had this niggeling suspicion that I left it outside on the little bistro table I have on the deck. (I know, I know, what idiot would leave their tooth outside?) After wiping off all the counters, sweeping the floors, looking under the bed, fridge and stove with a flashlight, checking under the keyboard, looking in the medicine cabinet, on the nightstands, on the vanity etc, I came to the unhappy conclusion that I did indeed, leave it on the bistro table. Must have looked like a piece of corn (damn Piper), cuz I just KNOW a bird took it! I searched on the deck, under the deck, around the deck and no luck at all.

I really hope it hurts the bird to poo it out.

So, in total dismay and disgust, I decide that redneck arts and crafts dentistry is in order here, no other solution. Two grand to fix the damn thing is NOT possible right now.

So I go to the hardware store, wander around looking at all things ivory colored, while fending off the helpful clerks. (No you can't help me find anything). I mean what would I say? "I am looking for something to craft a missing tooth out of, what would you suggest? What do your other customers use?"

I found something in the plumbing dept. I have absolutely NO idea what it is, or what it is used for, but it was the approximate color, and the price was right. $1.29.

Beats the hell out of two grand!

So I took it home, and proceeded to whittle on it. I used my sewing scissors and a chisel. And you know what? I actually fashioned myself a passable fascimile of a tooth. It snaps into place, it is a tight fit, so it won't be falling out, I can chew with it, I can smile with it, I could maybe even kiss with it.... (OK, maybe TMI) SO much better than the alternative hole in the head.

All in all, I am rather pleased with myself. Not a permanent solution, but until my dental insurance kicks in and I sell the Vortex, it will have to do.

So bite me.

Get a Load of this JackAss!

2008-08-01T11:31:00.000-07:00

So, I continue to play a tiny bit with the online dating thing...... the guy I went to the biker rally is really quite a fabulous person..... nice, nice guy. But I still get occasional hits online from others, because I haven't removed myself quite yet.....

So today I got this online message.... from a "new" dude, his profile says Denver, age 45, although he looks more like 60. Here it is....

**************************************************************************

Hiiiiiiiiiiii,

You're sensational and beautiful to me and charming as well because you caught my attention and my whole self and I am so much attracted to you and I rfeally can not pinpoint what exactly captured me. But I hope I am also attracted to you because I'm handsome...Lol...Well I really would love to know you more better because you have just made me smile...{I love that I guess it is a good sign} I know GOD has a beautiful plans for me and I've been praying to him for that special and perfect woman who know if you might be here...lol. I love laughing alot...I hope you do not count on the distance nor the age because they do not matter to me, what really matters to me is how my heart moves and I follow my heart and whom ever it is attracted too..I would like to have a very serious conversation with you. If you're interested you can contact me on my private yahoo e-mail... dreammate08 /@/y/a/h/o/o/ dot com. We can also use the yahoo messenger to chat. This is my yahoo messenger ID {dreammate08}

I hope to hear back from you.A very big hug from,
Michael

*******************************************************

Well! Now isn't that special!!!!

Not willing to let such a sweet opportunity for ridicule slide by me, I sent him the following response....

********************************************************
Ha!

Love the generic message...... obviously you really didn't read MY profile.... you must be on a fishing expedition. For what, I am not sure. Except that I am sure that I won't be biting.

Good luck

***********************************************************

JackAss.

Boy or Girl?

2008-07-31T10:07:00.000-07:00

Well, as some of you are aware, Rusty and Brook are pregnant. As some of you are ALSO aware, between the two of them, they already have 4 little girls. So the hope has been for a boy so that Rusty doesn't feel so outnumbered.

Yesterday was the UltraSound Day of Reckoning.

I texted him in the morning, asking "Sausage or Taco"?

His answer came late in the afternoon. To find out, you will have to go to HIS blog.

http://www.henrichsengirls.blogspot.com/

And by the way? Jenna and Brook think I am gross and weird. But didn't we all love that movie 50 First Dates? Come on now!

Amputation Desired!

2008-07-29T10:07:00.000-07:00

I am a very impatient person, or should I say, I am not a very good patient for a person. Now that was clear as mud, wasn't it?

I sprained my ankle, quite awhile ago now, but it still pains me. The pain is no longer extensive physically, but mentally it is quite a bitch. Or I am a bitch. Or I bitch about it. Whatever.

The confusion is overwhelming. Obviously. And perhaps contagious.

So there I was, camping on the 4th of July with Rusty, Brook, her parents and brother, and all the babies. None of whom are actually babies anymore. But babies nevertheless.

The final morning, I stagger from my tent to dump my "pee bucket" (hahaha, no one knows that part of the story til now), and head down to the river to rinse it out..... Having had no coffee and being bleary eyed and less than coordinated, I am not at my physical best. As I stumble down the short but steep incline, I caught my toe mid step and bent my foot over forwards.... there was a horrific snap/crack/pop and I tumbled into the bushes. I managed only a small squeaky "oh", and just laid there, trying to figure out if it was broken, and breathing through the pain. Lots and lots of pain.

So there I am, just sprawled out on my side staring at the river, trying to get past my lightheadedness and need to puke. Then I notice Brooks brother Colin coming down to the river to chain his dog up. Kind of right by my head. I lay there, waiting for him to notice me, and ask me if I needed help. Or if I was drunk from the night before or something. But no, he doesn't even SEE me! Now mind you, I can see HIM! Or at least the chain he was using. Then he goes away.

Well, I figure help from that quarter will not be forthcoming, so I endeavor to see if I can get up. I have figured out that my ankle does not seem to be broken, I can wiggle it around and all, but it is seriously messed up, for sure. So I try to stand up, and immediately fall down again. Kind of fainted more or less. Well THIS time he notices me, and asks if everything is alright. I tell him I hurt my ankle severely, and need help to get into my tent, before I puke or worse. So he helps me into my tent, asks me if I need or want anything else, and in my self sufficient delirium, I of course say no.

So I lay there. And lay there. And lay there some more, in HUGE pain.

Then I notice Rusty out at the picnic table, talking to Colin. For awhile. I wonder why Colin doesn't tell Rusty that his mother is laying in her tent, in pain and anguish. But since he doesn't, I have no choice but to holler and holler until Rusty hears me and comes over. He brings me Ibuprophen, he brings me ice, he brings me sympathy. I need them all.

It hurt like hell, did I mention that?

Oh, and don't ever expect Colin to be any good at "search and rescue". NOT his forte.

Well, I AM recovering, but I still walk like a gimp, or a very slow "old" person. I am sick and tired of not being hale and hearty. The ankle burns..... and it is still big and fat... a cankle if you will. But it IS getting better.

I may put off the amputation after all. The bitchiness will remain.

Biker Rally

2008-06-17T15:18:00.000-07:00

Now that I am this single woman (two years now), ready to embark on a whole new chapter in my life (and hoping it isn't just a p.s.) I thought I would once again test the dangerous, murky, yet somehow enticing online dating waters. So far it has been interesting.

I met this guy from Zillah, who came to Ellensburg, and took me to lunch. I thought he was nice, very nice, but I always reserve my judgment for awhile. But he was definitely nice, and I really enjoyed talking to him about creativity and all that good stuff.

Next thing I know, he has invited me to the ABATE Spring Opener, which for all you clueless readers, is basically a Biker Rally/Event. How could I resist? I mean, the man has a bike, and a very nice one at that! I used to ride a bike when I lived in Utah, a Kawasaki 250. After I quit putting it in the ditch, learned how to shift and all, I loved it and had a great time! I used to ride it to the grocery store where I worked. On my lunch hour, sometimes I took it up American Fork Canyon. But I haven't ridden one since the 80's, and I was excited to have the chance to ride again, even on the back. (Or perhaps ESPECIALLY on the back!)

So I meet up with him, he has a helmet for me, I tied my hair back, put on my sunglasses and off we went. First we met up with some of his friends, and we rode to Prosser to have lunch. That was fun. Then to the Yamaha store to pick up a battery, then off to the main event itself. So we get there, there are tents and bikes everywhere. At first I was a little disconcerted that I wasn't dressed in all black. I mean I OFTEN dress in all black, but this day I wasn't. I happened to be in a raspberry shirt that said Alaska on it. I was asked many times throughout the day, if that is where I was from...... "no, my son went to Alaska, and all I got was this t-shirt"....

But I got over the t-shirt business fairly quickly, nobody really looked at me when there were SO many eyepopping sights to be seen..... like the girl stuffed into a childs size 10 short overalls that barely covered her crack.... or the BBW in a short little skirt on the stage, that kept bending over and showing her cheeks to one and all... or the chick that rode a moped during the bike games (ride the plank) and adjusted her shirt right before starting, which totally flashed one boob at the crowd. I mean who CARES what shirt I was wearing?

At one point, there seemed to be a lot of smoke coming from one area of the grounds, and I asked what it was..... "oh, guys are doing burnouts...." as if that would explain it all to me. Not wanting to look totally without a clue, I moseyed on over to check it out. So here's what they do:

They drink a bunch of alcohol, then they take their beautiful, expensive piece of equipment (like maybe $20,000 or so) over to this brick wall, nose their bike into the wall, and proceed to rev the engine, spinning their back tire on the asphalt until it smokes everything up. I mean, you can't even SEE. I had to stick my nose down my raspberry shirt to breathe.

But wait, that's not all. The really MACHO ones keep it up until their tire blows. Their $200.00 tire!

Ahhhhhh, how fun! We all cheer.

Good times.

The most interesting was the Wet T-Shirt Contest. Since the winner would win $500.00, I was tempted to enter. After all, my t-shirt looked pretty good dry, and it should look just as pretty wet I thought. I was quickly disabused of that notion. My date refused to be party to my nonsense.

So there were about 8 girls up there, wearing wife beaters, doused with water, and dancing on stage. At some point, the t-shirts must have become too uncomfortable, because they came off.... There was one girl up there in chaps and shorts, and somehow she was able to remove the shorts while retaining the chaps. Now since I have been to the nude beach, I didn't choke on my beer or anything, but I was intrigued by her Brazillian, and her willingness to flaunt it. And flaunt it she did. I will spare you all the details, but suffice it to say that everything came off, chaps etc, and if I didn't know better, I might have assumed that she was preparing for that Army physical (turn your head and cough). I didn't need to see all her orifices, but I did.

She won. Go figure. It had nothing to do with the t-shirt at all.

I ate oysters on the half shell. Yum. I drank beer. Yum. I listened to a couple of really good bands. My date was a great guy. I had a very good time. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat!

But next time I wear my black Hell shirt that says STAFF on the back.

No Poo

2008-05-13T14:38:00.000-07:00

Hahahahahahaha, I have tricked you all. You think I am gonna be blogging about poop, or colonic cleansing, or some such crap, but not at all! No Poo, means no shampoo. It it for girls with curly hair, that have a hard time with the frizzies, and hair drying out, and breakage and all that business.

So the program is this. Shampooing is a no no. That doesn't mean that curly headed girls run around with a head that smells like a filthy pair of mens athletic socks, no, they still wash their hair, but with conditioner only. Using actual shampoo is a very rare occurance.

It happened like this:

One day while I was at work, dinking around on the internet, I stumbled across this concept on craigslist. In the beauty forum. I had to read quite a few posts, before I figured out what on earth they were babbling about. Then to clarify it all, I googled it, and came across this:

http://www.wikihow.com/Follow-the-Curly-Girl-Method-for-Curly-Hair

That pretty much explains it all. So I have been following the suggestions, including "plopping", which was ANOTHER ambiguous term that raised my eyebrow. Plopping, however, is a method of wrapping your wet hair in a t shirt or a cloth to help it dry without frizzing. Towels supposedly frizz your hair.

Plopping is a waste of my time. I just let it mostly air dry, and then use a VERY light blow dry with a diffuser on warm.

I DID invent one new little trick for myself, which I shall endeavour to name. It involves pulling all my hair onto the tip top of my head, putting it into a fabric scrunchie, and sleeping with it that way. Perhaps I could call it the "cockscomb look", "I Dream of Genie Gone Wild", or something equally obscure. So what happens? In the morning? I have the biggest hair EVAH! And kind of curlier than usual. I haven't perfected it yet, but it holds promise.

My goal is to grow my curly locks down past my lardass. Camouflage if you will. It just may work, with this new no poo business.

Seriously! I'm not shittin you!

Yes Virginia, there IS a Tooth Fairy!!!!

2008-03-17T19:51:00.000-07:00

My tooth. Well it broke off one day. It was capped, so I went to the dentist and they glued it back in. It lasted about a year I think. Then I was eating some caramel or some such thing, and it came out again. Another $75.00 later, it was glued back in again. I was hoping that it would last another year, but no such luck, I couldn't seem to keep away from those cap sucking off foods. So then I decided to do the redneck thing, and I polydented it into my head. Cool. It lasted for about a day at a time, but at least I didn't look like a loser when I smiled.

One day I was drinking (surprise surprise) and it came out with whatever dinner I was eating at the time. So I put in on my plate while I was playing internet marbles, or chatting online or some such thing....... a bit later I realized it was missing, and tried to find it. I was reduced to admitting to my housemates, Piper and Zoe that the damn thing was missing. I knew it must have been on my plate or something...... that was taken to the sink. Well, those girls laughed their asses off, and it turns out that it was brushed off the counter onto the floor..... damn that Piper, she said she thought it was a piece of CORN or something......

Back in my mouth after a solid washing.

Gotta be able to smile without covering my mouth, after all.

Things were fine for awhile, until I decided to clean one day. I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. I cleaned my ass off. I took the vacuum, I cleaned beside my bed and nightstand, I cleaned in my bathroom, I cleaned my nightstand off, I cleaned the throw that was on my dresser in the bathroom, I cleaned everything. What a good girl!

Next morning, I get ready for work, I go to put in my tooth, and the damn thing is nowhere to be found! Nowhere!

Later that day, I ask Piper and Zoe, but no, they haven't seen it. I go through the garbage, I go through the nasty beans that Zoe threw away. I move my bed, I move my nightstand, I move my dresser. I look everywhere I can think of. I look under the computer desk, I look under my keyboard, I go through the vacuum cleaner dirt, I paw in the grass where I cleaned the vacuum filter. Nothing.

I actually have looked for a couple of months for this tooth. Just the other night, I moved my dresser again and looked. Nothing.

Fast forward to today. I come home and find Zoe moving out. The other roommate has mostly moved out also. Zoe picks up this little thing off the kitchen table and says "Is this your tooth"?

I freak out! My tooth! My tooth! My tooth! I can date again without covering up my mouth when I smile! Holy Shit! My tooth!

I thought that the washer repair man must have found it in the washing machine today, he did come to repair it after all. I feel enormous affection for Mr. WasherFixit.

But then when the other roommate came home, the mystery was solved. She had found it beside the washing machine, on the floor when she was mopping up a bit of water....... that the Appliance Doctor had left behind.

Holy Cow!

There IS a Tooth Fairy, and she has visited me! Hurray!

Life is Good!

Dating

2008-03-11T17:48:00.000-07:00

Oh boy, where do I start? First of all, how do you start dating again when you are in your 50's? I mean, come on, you don't go to high school or college anymore, where there are dudes everywhere you turn! At least I don't. I work in an office, a 3 woman office. Granted, I talk to men all day long, being a truck broker. But really! Most of them can hardly speak English! And since I am a great lover of the English language and all it's nuances, the pickings are slim. My favorite person to talk to these days, trucker/dispatcher wise, is a young East Indian boy by the name of Aman. 23 years old. Same age as Jenna. So, the pickings are really "none".

To compensate, I have ventured a teeny bit into the online dating scene. Met a grand guy in Iowa. Do you know how far Iowa is from Washington? A long ways, a damn long ways.

Then there were assorted freaks........ do I need elaborate? Like the dude that was so fucked up in one email that he couldn't even type anymore? Delete. Or the one that ranted about Mormons, spouting off all sorts of weird facts which I later debunked on snopes.com. Of course. Or the one that I actually met, that said the N word. Delete. How about the one that explained his missing tooth and told me that it was in his medicine cabinet at home? Nice guy, but had some sort of "why are you avoiding me" complex. Delete. Oh, and what about the other one that I went on a couple of dates with that kept sending me political rightwing bullshit on about 3 different emails, even though I asked him not to? Delete.

Back to the nicer guys. How about the one that I actually visited, way down at the bottom of the state of Oregon. Liked him, but I liked him more than he liked me. He actually rejected me not only once, but twice. I still talk to him and he wants to come up and visit me. Isn't there something wrong with this picture? I am just a bit hesitant.

Then there was another local one. Seemed OK, seemed promising except for the occasional reference to how much money he spent on his daughters Christmas presents..... oh, and the rude offside comments to me.... Like..... "don't cut your hair, you will get farther if you don't cut your hair." WTF? Or when he told me about some gay girl he knows, that always gets better looking chicks than he does, and he can't figure it out..... oh, and when he told me his dilemmas..... having to find a house to buy, and having to find a girlfriend......

Chopped Liver. Delete. Oh, wait, he deleted me first. But I would have wised up soon enough.

Now for the young ones. Yes, there are some young ones, StudMuffin1 and StudMuffin2. That should say it all. Kind of fun in emails, text messages, and the phone, but really! Where could this possibly go?

Sigh.

Is it any wonder that I kind of said "no more"? Oh, I forgot to mention the scammer that I strung along for awhile, trying to decide just where in the hell he was going with the whole charade. I think he was some scrawny Ethiopian sitting at some computer, thinking that he could get some money out of a desperate rich American woman. Well, I am American, and I am a woman, but the others just don't compute. Finally I said "who the hell are you really?????"

Delete.

But I keep my eyes open, I look every once in awhile. Sometimes I see someone that interests me a bit, and I approach carefully. It hasn't worked yet, there was the nice guy in Yakima, that smoked like a chimney, was missing half his bottom teeth, and looked like a walking cadaver.

Delete nicely.

Oh, and that other nice guy from Ellensburg that I outweighed by about 75 pounds. But we had a fabulous day nevertheless, we saw 23 eagles that day. Little munchkins don't do it for me. Amazons didn't do it for him.

How can I forget Shehezit? Yes, I wasn't sure if he was man or woman, I was certainly intrigued. Had to find out more. I mean, come on? We can sometimes surprise ourselves with our choices, now can't we? So I met him, he was a fabulous artist, Native American, I really liked him, but just way too feminine for me. I guess I just really like masculine. No gay girl here. But he played a heck of a mean slide guitar also, and was so interesting. Back to the drawing board.

So what do I want? I can be picky, since this is just all conjecture and virtual fun.

Humor. He better be damn funny.

Humor. He better think I am damn funny.

Humor. He better think the world is damn funny.

Taller than me. I just like that. I am shallow like that.

Not an alcoholic, not a racist, not a bigot, not a right wing fanatic. Not a fanatic at all.

Humor. Did I mention that?

Adventurous.

Oh, and smart.

Have I left anything out?

How about humor?

Oh, wait, he better think I am freaking awesome, because I am.

So there, that is my story and I am sticking to it.

My Self Disappointment

2008-03-04T17:45:00.000-08:00

Yes, I have been naughty, I have been bad, I am highly disappointed in myself. Not enough however, to change or stop my behavior. For the moment at least.

So the deal is this. There is this jackass that posts online, that is SO racist, SO bigoted, SO unpleasant, SO obnoxious, SO highly offensive, that I have succumbed to his "charm", and found myself right on his level.

Yes, I have done it. I have proceeded to make an ass of myself on the internet. I have let him have it with both barrels (which in my case, can be considerable). Not content to just let it be, I continue to badger him with ridicule. I just can't help myself. I even set up a nice new email address, in case he responds to any of my taunts. A trick I learned from my niece, Anna Marie.

So my new email address is youarearacistpig@hotmail.com

So far, no bites. But soon perhaps. The fun part is, that if he responds, the email I send back will come from it. I love it.

How disappointing, how childish I have become. When is Lent? Perhaps I can give up my persecution of him for Lent. Or not.

But Seriously, this man is a boil on the ass of humanity. I mean Seriously!

I have unleashed my inner demon, not for the first time, and he should watch out.

He is Home!

2008-02-29T17:34:00.000-08:00

Yup! He came home! Of course we had to get him in the middle of the night instead of the early evening, but it's all good. Rusty and Brook and Jenna and Val and I went down to the airport with balloons, snacks and a lot of excitement! He came home, all 200 lbs of him! He endured a lot of big butt jokes from all of us, and it was great fun. His dad showed up also, as did the Wyatt family, the ones I hold responsible for the past two years. (only kidding a little)

By the time all was said and done, it was past 2 am in the morning, and we were all dead tired. The next day I took him to get "released", and it was kind of emotional. He is one great kid.

Then off to take care of the most urgent need, a cell phone. Then groceries, cleaning his "digs" at his fathers house, and the final chore of the day was getting a car. I must admit, I am an awesome kick ass Mommy, I found him a little geo metro that only needed a battery, and he got it for $100. But wait, there's more! He didn't even have to come up with the cash, he is going to work it off in labor!

As ND would say......."SWEET!!!"

I slept like a dead woman last night. It is nice to have him home. And even sweeter, Jamie is flying in tomorrow and we are all having a great dinner at Rusty's house.

How great is that?

My Bad

2008-02-26T18:30:00.000-08:00

OK, sorry guys, I know that photo was heinous....... but imagine how my source felt when a worm was found in the loo! I mean really! Isn't that just the grossest thing ever?

My source continues to find some very disturbing, uh, creatures, or so she says.

I have upped my tea at night, but found it to have painful consequences in the early am. I shall have only the recommended amount from now on.

And I still have nothing exciting of my own to report. Mores the pity.

But! Willie is coming home tomorrow! He arrives at the Yakima airport in the early evening, and he will find a decently large welcoming committee to greet him. Man! It has been a LONG couple of years!

I will do my best to perform a painless debriefing and reintroduction into civilian life.

Ha!

The Plot Thickens

2008-02-25T17:47:00.000-08:00

OK, here is the scoop on the poop.

I have been bored with the whole experience, it is a pain to wake up in the morning, take the 4 parasite killing herbal capsules, wait 15 minutes and then drink the icky banana flavored fiber atrocity before I can really start my day with my coffee ritual. There have been a couple of days (like this morning) when I just couldn't do it. I skipped everything but the coffee.

HOWEVER!!!

Everything has changed! I have it from an excellent source who wished to remain anonymous, that her poop contained a worm this morning!!!!!!!!

Oh for gross! (No, that is NOT her or her worms)

Then later, this same source informed me that there were some weird looking things like egg sacs in said poop! How disgusting!

Then later yet, (what a pooping fool my source must be), there were MORE worms! Yes! I trust my source impeccably, so I have no doubt as to the veracity of the testimony.

But still, this is MY shitty blog, and I want to be able to give a first hand account of some pooping atrocities.

I am going to attack the colonic cleansing program with renewed fervor, so that I can be horrified at what is "exiting the building". And no, it won't be Elvis.

I am waiting for a miracle (isn't that a song?)

Oh, and Kelsey? I know you have seen that photo before, it kinda reminds you of your mother, now doesn't it?

ABC Tag from Kelsey

2008-02-24T18:40:00.001-08:00

ABC Tag"
A- Attached or single: Single
B- Best Friend: Currently none
C- Cake or Pie: Cheesecake, with strawberries on top
D- Day of Choice: None, I work every day, so I have no favorite
E- Essential Item: My computer
F- Favorite Color: sage green
G- Gummi Bears or Worms: either and or both
H- Hometown: Bellevue, WA
I- Indulgence(s): my coffee in bed in the morning.... with half and half
K- Kids: four very grown up ones
L- Life is incomplete without: DVR
M- Marriage Date: which one?
N- Number of Siblings:5 brothers and 2 sisters
O- Oranges or Apples: Apples for sure. Altho oranges are nice...
P- Phobias or Fears: Crunching down unintentionally on a malted milk ball.... *shudders*
Q- Quote(s): "It's all just part of the adventure"
R- Restaurant: Oh, probably El Caporel
T- Tag Six: I don't know six people who are actively blogging. *glares at Demeree*
U- Unknown Fact About Me: Unfortunately, I am an open book. I tell everything within 10 minutes.
V- Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animal: I am an equal opportunity masticator. I eat it all.
W- Worst Habit: zoning out, and not hearing a word you just said....
X- X-Rays or Ultrasounds: I prefer x rays, they don't involve a bladder (at times) near to rupturing.
Y- Your Favorite Food: A kick ass Pizza, preferably gourmet chicken garlic. Oh, and artichokes.
Z: Zodiac: Leo/Virgo (on the cusp)

There! That was for Kelsey, of the kidnapped body. Sorry honey, the alien wins every time! Although SERIOUSLY! Vitamin B6 was the only thing that was able to help me out of bed before 4pm every afternoon for the first 5 months.

My schedule:

Lie in bed groaning, trying not to move.

Eating soda crackers in a prone position.

On very rare occasions, puking.

Watching Star Trek. Every day.

Getting up at 4pm to do the previous days dishes.

Being grateful I didn't have a job.

Cooking dinner and creating dirty dishes for the next day.....

Fun, huh?

The Not so Prodigal Son Returns

2008-02-21T16:33:00.000-08:00

Yes, it is true! Young Son, AKA Willie, soon to be known as the former "Elder Banks" is coming home! Hurray! That is such sweet music to his Mommy's ears! (Those would be my ears, whose else?)

It is less than a week when he will grace our doorsteps again and brighten our hearts with his presence. Tomorrow it will be exactly 2 years since he left for the North Carolina Spanish Speaking Mission. Two LONG years! In that time, I have talked to him about 4 times. Once on each Mothers Day, and once on each Christmas. Not a lot of contact! He wrote letters and emails, as did I. I really started to fall down in the letter dept, I just couldn't seem to get into it much, emails were so much easier.

For those who don't know what the little pyromaniac is doing in the above picture, it is standard Missionary custom to mark the passage of time with a symbolic "burning" of the vestments. After a missionary has been in the field for 6 months, he burns a tie. After 12 months, he burns a shirt. At 18 months, he burns a pair of slacks, and when the 2 year mark has been reached, he burns an entire suit! I guess it helps with packing, I don't know.

Now I am wondering just why he already burned his suit when it wasn't a full two years yet? Did he jump the gun, or is my timetable awry?

I got a Valentines Day card from him the other day. Oh, it was SO sweet to go to the Post Office, and find a pink envelope for me from him. I wanted to savor it, so I clutched it to my breast as I walked back to work, wondering what sweet sentiment I would find inside.

I climbed the stairs, sat down, and proceeded to open it. It was bulky, there was obviously something inside besides just a card. When I pulled out the card, I noticed something fall out, but I was much more focused on the sweet message inside. It went something like this:

Dearest Mother,

Happy Valentines Day! Sister Teruingu says "Be proud to be HIV free! Get tested!"

So then I looked at what fell out, and yes, it was a condom.

What a guy.....

He went on to tell me "I love you Mommy!" (He knows I am a sucker for being called Mommy)

"I am practicing safe missionary work!"

"Love Young Son" <------ still a bit crude

Well! Don't I feel special? I mean, HOW many mothers of Missionary boys got a condom from them on Valentines Day? Just me I venture to guess!

So back to the big day! He comes home, we will all hug and cry and be unbelievably happy! Rusty will be hosting a welcome home Willie dinner on Saturday, March 1st, and I was able to get Jamie to come also! All the way from San Diego! It should be great fun, because the kids haven't all been together for such a long time. I don't even remember the last time.

Let the Fun begin!

Cleaning Up My Act/Spring Has Sprung

2008-02-15T09:08:00.000-08:00

OK, a small break in all the poopy talk. Or maybe not. I guess I shall just have to see what happens here, ya never know where the mind is gonna take me.

I am at work, the phones are slow, we are just waiting to see what happens, who shows up. I am feeling very sassy today, or as Pam, my boss calls it, saucy. Saucy/Sassy, Sassy/Saucy. Same diff.

I have made my phone calls, trying to find freight, I have even called the ones that "hate" me, I am feeling THAT sassy today! (They don't really hate me, err, at least I hope they don't)

Nada. Work with me here people! I can't blog for hours! I have already regaled my co-workers with a roommate anecdote. I don't feel like playing internet marbles. It is almost time to eat my breakfast of sour grapes. Literal, not figurative. Serious, they are damn sour.

Oh! I know! The Killing has begun! That means spring is nearly here. My co-dependant cat disappeared for a short while this morning while I was getting ready for work. She got tired of me "footing" her out of my way, so she went out the window. The window in my bedroom, that has the little kitty door I made, and down the stepladder I have positioned strategically for her convenience in negotiating the transition from inside to outside. So she has gone outside. She is no longer under my feet. Good. Then back in she comes, and has brought in a harbinger of spring for me! A Vole! Perfect! Lucky for me, the vole has already expired, so I could pick it up by it's teeny weenie little tail, and fling it to it's new resting place out the front door in the snow.

I mean, have you ever tried to pick a live vole up by it's tail? It is frightening! It flips around and contorts itself to try to BITE you! The nerve! The audacity! I know of what I speak!

On the one hand, I am happy that she brought the vole in, for I know that spring is on it's way, and Gawd knows, I abhor winter. But on the other hand, I know that this also means that more killing will follow. Birds, mice, voles, and my favorite (alive) and least favorite (dead), the baby bunnies.

Sigh! I endured the heart thumping terror last spring of waking up out of a dead sleep to the sound of a huge thumping commotion in my bathroom. When I get up to check, I see this large furry rodent (A RAT???) jumping around behind my trash basket and the toilet. I finally realize it is a baby bunny (Ohhhhhhhhh!!!!!), so I pick the wee thing up to save it from the cats claws and fangs, and the little thing starts sounding off just like a smoke alarm. What a sound!!!!

Well, that was just the beginning of the baby bunnies that appeared in my bedroom last spring. There must have been a total of at least 5. It was late in the fall when they stopped arriving.

My favorite bunny was the one I put in Pipers bedroom for her to photograph. She was so confused! I woke HER up out of a dead sleep. Later, Piper and Zoe took the bunny to the vet. Lucky for the bunny! The rest of the bunnies were not that lucky. I just returned them to the wild, to fend for themselves. I can be brutal like that.

OK, not much else is coming out of the brain here, I may just go play marbles after all.

Boring.

No News is Not Much News

2008-02-12T17:27:00.000-08:00

OK, I have taken a small hiatus from my normal once a year blog entries, to try to debunk drnatura, and so far I don't have much to report.

I seem to have horrified my son, however, in all fairness I warned him beforehand. He should know better. He is the son that was aghast when my sister was teaching me to light farts (some people are oh so juvenile), and he went up to his room, not to return until he was sure it was safe. Meanwhile, I managed to light the couch on fire. Needless to say, my sister and I were in hysterics laughing....

But I digress.

Back to the shitty issue (or non issue) at hand.

Seems like nothing of much import to report.... or should I say export. I mean, I have been exercising due diligence, and peering into the toilet expecting to jump back in fright and disgust, however, it is all just pretty much the same old shit. With minor variances which I won't bother to bore you with.

That's my report. Oh, except for the fact that those bothersome shit dreams I have continue. The latest was that I was carrying a whole laundry basket full of diluted poop (it's a dream remember) and it was SO heavy I decided that I had to pour some out into the snow. I was taking it in for analysis (someone here needs analysis) and by the time I got it to the doctor, there was only a cupful left. I could hardly imagine it would be enough for a diagnosis.

The crap I go through in my dreams! Sorry about all the crap/poop/shit jokes, but it comes with the colonic cleansing territory.

I will keep you apprised.

The Shit Hits the Fan

2008-02-07T19:39:00.000-08:00

OK, if you are faint of heart, or squeamish, close the window now. Step away from the blog! This is not for you!

But for those of you who have unbridled curiousity, and a macabre sense of humor, and a never ending fascination with the obscure and disgusting, read on!

Now that I have your attention, buckle your seatbelts! Or hold on to your toilet seat, whatever the case may be.

I have decided, with a very small amount of prodding from my daughter to do a Colonic Cleansing with her! Yes! For those of you who have little to no idea of what I am talking about, the premise is this: We are all filled with all sorts of disgusting things that have accumulated over the years in our colons, things that would be better off expelled in the toilet and subjected to our horrified but unwavering scrutiny. Things like parasites, and things like "mucoid plaque", which is basically century old poop. In return for cleansing our colons, theoretically we are to be rewarded with better health, a clearer skin, increased energy, mental rejuvination, and of course, fodder for our blogs.

This was my present for Valentines Day and Mothers Day from my daughter. A 3 month supply of fiber, laxative tea and a parasite ridding herbal concoction. She is the best daughter EVER!

I cannot tell you how excited I am! Well, let me try. I have been plagued with shit dreams all my life. I am always immersed in shit, of some form or another. Usually, I am sitting on a toilet, doing the deed, when I realize that a whole shitload of people are in the same room as me. And there is nothing I can do about it. I have no privacy. I try to be as unobtrusive as possible, but how the hell can you wipe your ass and flush the toilet without them noticing? This seems to be the common denominator of my shit dreams.

So, I am hoping that by ridding myself of "old shit" in the present, I can rid myself of these shit dreams, or at least move on to naked dreams. I mean, give me a break!

So here is my progress so far. I have been on the program a little over a week, and don't have a lot to report. I drink my tea in the evening, it gives me a bit of cramping in the morning, and you all know the obvious result of that....... then I drink a glass of water on an empty stomach with my parasite herbal capsules, and 15 minutes later, drink my fiber stuff. Then I commence to my NORMAL schedule, and drink my coffee and wake up.

So far, nothing out of the ordinary......... except for one evening..... it was kind of like, uh, silly putty. I will leave it at that for now. But silly putty is, uh, well, kind of rubbery and stretchy, and not very fluffy.

What can I say, but SHIT! This thing might be working! But if you really want to be grossed out, go to www.drnatura.com and see all the horrific things that people claim have exited their colons with help from the program. Do not attempt this while eating!

OK, for those of you who have stuck with me, if you continue to monitor my blog, prepare to get in and dirty..... the shit is gonna hit the fan!!!!

Kelseys Questions

2008-01-29T17:48:00.000-08:00

So my niece Kelsey, posted her answers to these questions on her blog. She tagged me, so I assume that means I am "it". My turn I guess.....

If you were an animal, which would you be? A Cat, specifically my cat. She is spoiled rotten.
If you were a city, which would you be? Truth or Consequences New Mexico. The name says it all.
If you were a flower, which would you be? Carnation, best smell in the world.
you were a vegetable, which would you be? Baby brussel sprouts, slathered in butter. Not for the faint of heart.
If you were a color, which would you be? Burnt Red. All the way, baby.
If you were a fruit, which would you be? A watermelon.
If you were a season, which would you be? Indian Summer
If you were a shoe, which would you be? Shit kickin boots.
If you were a vehicle, which would you be? Ford F250 deisel truck.... yup, that's me.
If you were an appliance, which would you be? A coffee pot of course!
If you were a Disney character, which would you be? Mowgli, is he a disney character?
If you were a dessert, which would you be? Chocolate Decadance
If you were a time of day, which would you be? Noon, not a minute earlier.
If you were a cereal, which would you be? Golden Grahams.
If you were a instrument, which would you be? Folk Guitar.

Now that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Enough is Enough

2008-01-08T21:09:00.000-08:00

OK, this is SO irritating! Back in the day when I thought I was gonna be some hotshot rehabber/flipper/real estate investor, I got this cool domain name, to go along with my "business name" HomeSaleSolutionsLLC.com Cool, I am doing this, I am gonna make it happen, I am on my way.

*Why am I in this handbasket, and where are we going?*

So I have an email address, all set up with my domain name, which seems to have only brought me grief. For some odd reason, I get SO much spam, all aimed at helping me enlarge my penis, get a mammoth rod, unleash the one eyed snake, fulfill my woman, stiffen up the limp parts, you get my drift. Now, to add insult upon injury, I come home today, log onto my Outlook account, and find that I have over 1200 emails informing me that my "mail" has been returned as undeliverable. Not only that, but as I am trying frantically to delete these emails, more keep arriving faster than I can delete! When all was said and done, I deleted over 2000 emails just from TODAY! Now if these were the "undeliverable" ones, doesn't it make you wonder how many got through? All apparently sent from homesalesolutionsllc.com.

Shit.

I did get one gem out of the lot. It was from some company that told me the actual IP address which sent "my" email. So I did a little search, and it seems to be this company.

General Dynamics in San Diego CA. Individual name, Rich Davidson, email address, rdavidso@csc.com. Phone number, 858-675-3907.

Hmmmmmm. What to do.

Well, what I have ALREADY done, is to email Mr. Rich, and inform him of the happenings. I wonder if he knows his computer is a zombie? I wonder how he will feel about it? I wonder if he will believe it? I wonder if it is yet one more layer in an ever convoluted labyrinth of intrigue and suspicion?

I could call him. I could call him now. He won't answer because it is 9:29pm Pacific Time. Lord knows, nobody works that late. Except a Zombie.

Everybody hold your breath now, I am gonna do it.

*drunk dials*

Busy. How the hell can it be busy? Supposedly this is a company phone number! They never have busy signals, and at this time of night?

I feel like a chump! Wait, one more try. I will google this phone number and see what I come up with!

*googles*

Well, it shows San Diego County, but no phone listed to any real company that I can see.

the jury is out.

Get A Grip

2007-12-13T17:10:00.000-08:00

Man, here we go again! Winter!!! Winter!!! Did I say Winter???

Cold, gray, dreary and my mood has followed. But as Merle Haggard sang "if we make it through December....."

"We" must mean me, my horse Shadow and my cat Smokey, since I am single now. That's a good thing, although difficult in some ways. For the most part, I am much happier. Funny thing, my ex is too, he has found himself a girlfriend and I am quite pleased about that. Now, if I could just find a good friend for myself, that would be lovely.

I was able to leave work at about noon today, because our furnace is on the fritz, and while we could deal with the temp in the low 60's, the smell of gas drove us out. (After we turned off the gas however.) We will see if someone can fix it tomorrow, otherwise we may have another day off.

I mailed a package off to Young Son today, this will be his last Christmas in the mission field; he returns home at the end of February. I will be SO pleased for that! I have missed that toad immensely!

OK, back to the doldrums now...

Hide me Away...

2006-10-21T22:32:00.000-07:00

Now wouldn't this just be the best little hideaway in the woods? A little house, built into the side of a hill, a secret little house at that. One of these days....... yes, one of these days......

Hermit, in the Grand Canyon

2006-04-15T22:28:00.000-07:00

This was one heck of a ride on Hermit, a class 10 whitewater rapid. The back of the boat is nearly underwater, you cannot even see Eileen, who was piloting the boat. Our main guide, Steve, is in the top middle, in his "Hermit Hardhat". He is making sure that no one went overboard. I am on the far right, on top of the white covered coolers. An absolutely, unbelievable, incredible adventure, whitewater rafting down the Grand Canyon.

I Didn't Want that Job Anyway

2006-03-21T19:20:00.000-08:00

Holy Cow! I guess at 52, I supposed that I had escaped ever being fired, or let go in the work force. After all, I have learned to be on time, to look busy even when I'm not, to not goof off on the internet too much, and to take care of business, BEFORE I goof off. And I am smart, at least, smart enough. I am pleasant, at least if customers don't come at me with an attitude, and I am very conscientous. I am a model employee, all in all. I even have a sense of humor.

It left me temporarily today. I got up, got dressed in one of my new outfits that I bought specifically for this job, and went to work. I wasn't there long, that's for sure.

Perhaps we should start at the beginning. This job was at the parts desk, for an RV center. I was answering phones, ordering parts, answering phones, selling parts to the customers, answering phones, receiving freight, answering phones, stocking shelves, answering phones, sweeping floors, answering phones, mopping floors, etc.

Sounds like a blast, doesn't it? I started a month ago, and was just thrown into it, without any real training. One of the other workers, the warranty clerk, kind of showed me what to do, how to ring up a sale, how to print off a label, how to transfer a call, how to place an order, which was OK. The bare bone basics. My boss, never bothered to show up. Not for over 3 weeks. So he finally shows up last Thursday and Friday, and has some new things for me to do. I ask him a lot of questions, I want to get procedures straight, I want to do a good job. I had a hard time keeping him focused on answering my questions completely before moving onto something else. In retrospect, I think he didn't like that. Perhaps I should have kissed his ass. However, I don't believe in ass kissing, unless I really like their ass, and I didn't much care for his.

So I go to work this morning, and one of my buddies, the service dude, mumbled hi to me without even raising his head. Weird I thought. Then my boss, takes me aside, and tells me that we need to talk. My eyebrows raise, but I follow him into a room where the door gets closed. He tells me that he just doesn't think it is working out. I was flabbergasted. Absolutely amazed! I mean, this isn't rocket science, I just need to know what procedures they need and want, and then I can deliver. He said that he just didn't think that I would be able to keep up when things got busy. That I wouldn't be able to multi task! I was dumbfounded! He went on to say that he thought he made a mistake when he hired me. Unbelievable! I told him that I thought he was making a mistake right then. But, OK, whatever.

So I get up to leave, and he says "See ya". Yeah right. I just look at him, and say "No, I don't think so." Then the bright bulb asks me if he should just have my check mailed to me. I tell him that would be for the best.

I mean, really!

So I left, I sought out my friends, I cried, I had my self esteem lowered several notches, but thats OK. I went and worked on the Vortex. That's what I REALLY need to do. Maybe I can actually finish it in about 3 weeks. That would be great. Time to move on.

And you know what? I didn't want that job anyway. As I have told my former boss and good friend, I am basically unhireable. Now I have proved it.

Young Son

2006-02-22T18:10:00.000-08:00

Ah, my baby, my youngest has flown the coop, left the nest, and it is hard. He is such a great kid, such a tremendous young man. He is following his heart, listening to his spirit, and going where it leads him. In this case it has led him off to North Carolina for a mission for his church. What a dedicated young man. Giving up two years of his life for what he believes is right, what he believes is important.

It scares me, it brings out my worst fears of what could happen in two years time, of what could change. It doesn't take two years for something to change, that can happen in a second. But a lot of things can happen in two years, so many things. And I can't see him, cannot talk to him except on certain occasions. He won't be able to come home for a visit.

Two years!

I came home this morning after taking him to the airport, saw his car in the driveway, the one he is selling to help pay for his mission, saw his empty room and I broke down. How could I not?

He updated his "My Space" profile last night, and wrote in it that I was his hero. Way to make the tears flow. His other hero was his sweetie Val. He wrote that she was the swetest girl in the whole world, which of course cracked us up. What a thing to be, swet. He fixed it.....

Val and I took him to the airport. He said he was happy that his two favorite girls, his two heros were there with him.

I hope the two years fly by, and that all is good in between. What a great kid, he will be coming home a great man. He is really already there.

More tears.

Working Out

2006-02-06T21:37:00.000-08:00

I am a fairly entrenched couch potato, at least when it comes to exercise. I think people who exercise all the time are narcisistic, at best. Back in college, I flunked one class, "activities for fitness". It just was NOT fun. Over the years, I have resisted all my doctors best efforts at getting me to exercise, I won't run, I have refused to go for walks, and my body really doesn't want to hike up hills anymore. I like racquetball, but haven't made the time to go and play.

Lately I have changed my mind. Kind of. I have decided to exercise. I actually joined a gym, and have been going and working out. I have also been walking with my friend Larry. He is a couch potato too, but I think we both have realized that it is now or never. Get in better shape, or be prepared to go down down down......

So I have joined the gym, I had a personal trainer work with me twice, so that I could know what all those machines were for and how to use them. I have my little routine that she gave me. I also go on the treadmill. One night I really got into it. I worked out on the weight machines, I pedaled the bike for 30 minutes at level four, I got on the treadmill and went another 30 minutes. I was a driven woman! It was a friday night, and I ended up being the last one there, besides the desk guy. I was kind of surprised that everyone cleared out of there like that. Finally, I quit, and he says "Oh, are you done?" I assured him that I was, that I worked so hard because I hadn't been there for a few days. I told him that I had even walked around the "lakes" that morning. Nice boy that he was, he acted impressed, and said he would see me in the morning!

And then he wished me a cheery good evening and I left. I left, and saw the hours posted on the door. I had kept him there for a full 45 minutes past closing time! On a Friday night no less! A college student! I was mortified! I would never do something so rude on purpose!

I showed up the next morning, and apologized. He was extremely nice, shrugged it off as no big deal. Then I asked him if he skied or snowboarded. He gave me a very funny, wary look, and said "well, I snowboard". So I gave him a couple of tickets to the Summit, and thanked him again. His look of relief was hilarious! I think he thought I was gonna ask him on a date! Now whenever he sees me, he says "stay as late as you want!"

I am kind of liking working out. But I do have an ulterior motive. I have this fantasy of hiking the Pacific Crest Trail from Mexico to Canada next summer. That would be the summer of 07. Why I want to do this is fairly inexplicable, given my inclinations towards physical inertia, but I want to. My brother Dan and I are loosely planning this together. It sounds like a grand adventure, and I am all about adventure!

So that is my story, and I am sticking to it.

Winter Doldrums

2006-01-31T21:31:00.000-08:00

Here it is, the last day of January, and I find myself in a funk. I escaped fairly unscathed throughout the Christmas season, but the winter blahs are here. Today has been gray, so gray and ugly outside. Cold, dank, miserable, definitely an unfriendly sort of a day. My mood has suffered. I did not go to work, I just hung out in the never never land of yuk.

I think when I start my new job, that I will feel better. More purpose, more direction, less "choices" to sluff off if you will. It is just too easy to stay home from work right now. There isn't much to do, and I am no longer "critical" to the operation. Or what have you. My manager is very easy.

Tomorrow, before I head up to work, I have a "tour" scheduled of the "Rainbow Center", a childcare facility that I may apply for yet another job. I just landed one, haven't started it, but am trying for a different one already. Well, I would be a fool not to, it pays considerably more, and I could take college classes for free. And I love that.

I know what the problem is, I am in limbo!!!!!! I have too many incompletes, too much unfinished business! Well, duh! I need to finish this job and get on to the next. I need to wrap up my big D, and get it all finished! I need to do the taxes, and get the medical bills paid off! I need to move on with my life!

Geez! I feel better already! That is really kind of funny. It took putting it down in writing before it clicked, and yet it was so obvious, really.

Now, a swift kick in the ass, and I will get started!

Darkest Night of the Year

2005-12-21T20:37:00.000-08:00

Winter Solstice, that's what I am talking about! Not a personalized depression. Although, in years past, my winter blues definitely hit a peak, or perhaps I should say a low about this time. My friend Larry says that Christmas just isn't the same this year. I am halfway cheerful, I have almost all my shopping done, and most of that actually wrapped. I don't walk around muttering "I hate my f'ing life", life seems to actually be liveable.

Weird.

Because usually this time of year, I haven't started shopping yet, I haven't put a tree up, I haven't had a chance to even think about Christmas except in a "looming" ominous sort of a way. On December 24th, I would be found slumped over a cart in WalMart, listlessly pushing my way through the crowds, blinking back my tears. My friends Lisa and Larry would accompany me, not because they had any shopping to complete, but it was their way of supporting me. They would pull things off the shelf, shove them in front of my lowered head, and tell me that so and so would love this. I would blink blearily at them, ask "Really? Do you think so?" and then put it in my cart and shuffle on.

A holiday tradition. It just isn't the same without it.

But just for old times sake, I am saving just a couple of presents until the last minute, I just have to see the frenzied shoppers on Christmas Eve, buying all those inappropriate last minute selections that they agonize over for a full 10 seconds before moving on.

Or maybe I won't, maybe I will finish on December 23rd, or even the 22nd. What is my world coming to?

Ready for a New Life

2005-12-18T19:49:00.000-08:00

It is cold here, really really cold. I am not much of a cold lover, my feet get cold easily, my hands get cold easily, my face turns red and chapped looking in the cold. Give me some warm. It doesn't have to be really hot, at least not all the time, and I am not that fond of sweltering, but I would rather live in Hades than Antartica. Any day.

However, I seem to be menopausal, which means I alternate between hot and cold. In the nighttime, this translates to "covers on" , "covers off", "covers on", "covers off", all night long. It gets tedious to say the least, and definitely is not conducive to a good nights sleep. Where was I?

I was talking about moving, someplace warm, like Arizona.

I helped Missy Hollywood thaw out her frozen pipes today. She has a slumlord who really doesn't give a shit about the condition of the house she lives in. When she first moved in, the place reeked! Absolutely Stank to High Heaven! We found out later that the former renters had formidable amounts of people and animals that lived in the teensy one bedroom house, including chickens!

I draw the line at chickens.

Anyway, her slumlord is in Arizona for the winter, which is why I went over to help her. Poor little thing, she had the flu, she had been puking, hot and cold chills (but not menopausal at 36), and the last thing she needed was to have frozen water pipes.

So I filled up the propane tank heater, took it over, put it under her house, had her turn all her taps on halfway, and then we waited.

After about 15 minutes, the water started gushing.

She looked like hell by the way, did I mention that? Poor thing, made me want to mother her. Having the flu absolutely sucks.

The water is running, I tell her to leave her taps at a slow dribble, and I go home. I have the heat in my house cranked, but I am still cold.

I am leaving in the morning to join her slumlord in Arizona........

Moving Right Along

2005-11-27T20:29:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe that this is taking me so long, it seems interminable, but I am still, still in the basement of the Vortex. Just when I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel, the mold smell once again rears it's ugly head and I must take remedial action. Or is it the boxelder bugs which came in from the cold when the door was open and their habitat, the ugly juniper trees were cut down?

Nevertheless, the stink must stop!

I have been running a propane heater down there, trying to dry out the crawlspace. The humidity is currently running about 60-70%, which is better than the 85% that I started with. Still, it is too wet. I need to get it down to about 40% I think.

Today I put down a vapor barrier. Heavy duty black plastic, 6 ml in thickness. I have a dehumidifier which pulls water from the air at about the rate of 5 gallons every couple of days. That seems like an awfully large amount of moisture to me! Maybe the vapor barrier will help. I also found some dry rot in one corner of the house, the foundation joists. Or would it be the sill plate? Crap. I have been in this basement for MONTHS, and I want to be out! I also took a brush, and brushed all the loose "stuff" off the cement walls in the crawl space. I don't know what that stuff is, but I thought it would be a good idea before I put down the vapor barrier. And just WHAT is that sparkly stuff that grows on the concrete and on some of the dirt? Mold, or phosporus? It doesn't smell, because I had the audacity to actually sniff it.....

I just want this done, I want to get on with my life, I want to free myself up to ....... consider the possibilities, the opportunities, to pursue the adventures......

Huh? I have a Blog?

2005-10-28T22:04:00.000-07:00

Well, as usual, I get distracted from my distractions. This time by work. Yeah, right. I had to go back to work to bring in a paycheck however meager, because I am taking way too damn long on finishing the vortex. I go to work during the week and rest up for my next weekend venture into the mold remediating endurance competition. Work seems to be a little respite from the drudgery that I have fashioned the rest of my life into.....

I am not very impressive with my speed, am I? I have done about one third of the mold and mildew wipe down. It is tedious, it is heinous, it is odious. I am using a spray bottle, then wiping the dead mold off the joists above my head with a rag. The rag starts off white, but after a few swipes turns black and so gets thrown into a bucket of borax water. When I run out of rags or have a crick in my neck, or I cannot contemplate continuing without becoming dead drunk, I consider myself done for the day. Lovely.

Tomorrow I get to start again. It seems that I should be able to get it done in a few hours time, but it just doesn't happen that way. I have to work around the plumbing, the electrical, the nails and staples. What looks like a 5 hour job is taking about 50 hours. Or longer.

Kitty WampusShed

2005-09-27T20:39:00.000-07:00

My oldest son, Rusty, a carpenter by former trade and massive inclination, has agreed to help me on the Vortex. We put a new roof on the shed. Kind of looks like a Hobbit House Roof, but that is through NO fault of his! The walls were bowing out, the roof line looked like the back of an aged horse, but we perservered. We tried! We did, we tried to bring the walls back in line, using a huge strap that is used for securing trucker loads, but all it did was threaten to rip the studs out of the side walls when it was cinched up. We were smart enough to know when to quit. Some walls are just gonna be what they are gonna be.

Now it has a nice new metal roof. With Rusty's expertise, it was finished quickly. However, I almost slid off, got kind of stuck on top while sawing off a tree branch for "the sake of safety", I just couldn't get my aged legs to bend in the right way. But somehow I managed, swearing to use more common sense next time.

The roof looks kind of funny. All slopey, and skewhaw and all? But you know what? It will be waterproof and it's better to have a kittywampus shed than no shed at all.

Progress, However Slow

2005-09-18T20:49:00.000-07:00

I continue on with the Vortex. I have actually completed the first fungicidal spraying, and have begun the second. It is every bit as unpleasant as I anticipated, but strangely satisfying to mark the progress. I have to don full battle gear, as I don't want to kill any lung or eye tissue. I have to continually pump up the sprayer containing the solution and hold a light up to see where I am actually spraying. I have popped the lightbulb twice now, by getting fungicidal mist on it's hot surface.

I should be done with the spraying by next weekend. Then, I need to wipe down all surfaces with a mold and mildew cleaner that I just ordered. This is some expensive stuff, I tell you! 32 oz of concentrate, and it cost $175.00! Unbelievable! But if I was hiring someone else to do this mold remediation, I am fairly sure that it would cost several thousand dollars. My business partner had someone approach her, knowing about the moldy condition of the house, and offer to do it "under the table" for ten grand! He used to be in the mold remediation business. He said his offer was about "half price".

Think of all the money I am saving. Think of how well people get paid to do this extremely unpleasant job! Think of how I will NEVER buy a moldy house again!

Getting Started

2005-08-17T19:27:00.000-07:00

So it seems that this is my latest distraction. Blogging. What am I distracting myself from? Well, what do MOST of us distract ourselves from? Something boring, something unpleasant, something that they don't want to do. Yup, me too!

I am distracting myself from the Vortex, the moldy pit of a house that I seem to have acquired. Now mind you, I totally wanted this house, I had been looking for months for a house to purchase, and I don't actually regret it. But it is more than I anticipated, work wise. I am overwhelmed at times. I am stymied at times. Sometimes I don't know where to begin. Hence the need for distraction.

It's moldy. The mold must be dealt with before I can do any of the fun things, like paint some nice faux finished walls, refinish wood floors, put in a new kitchen. First I had to clean out the basement, uncover the "sealed off" part, haul out the half century of accumulated moldy trash, all while garbed in face mask, goggles, overalls, boots, gloves and shower cap. Up and down the stairs I would go, sweating like a pig, pouring the condensation out of the goggles, and having to stop within an hour or so. Progress has been slow.

Lately I have been refilling the crawl space part of the basement back up with soil. That is a majority of the problem, the fact that the original basement was altered. Some previous owner started digging it out, dug below the footings, the water table is very shallow, and it just sogged the whole place up. So I shovel buckets full of dirt through a window into the basement and re-distribute it on my hands and knees. Lots of dirt shoveling.

Next I will repour the portion of the missing retaining wall holding the dirt from the crawl space, from spilling over into the basement proper. Then a vapor barrier will be put down. My work is far from over however. Next I will need to kill all the mold, by spraying EVERY surface, including joists, beams, floors, and walls, not once but twice with an EPA registered fungicide. Bleach doesn't do the trick. Then scrape and vacuum. But wait, there's more. I still have to go over every wood surface with an abrasive tool, in my case, a wire brush on a drill. Vacuum again. Spray with another treatment. All the while crawling in the crawl space. It is freshly dirted, so I can probably handle it.

Still to come: Insulating, painting, replacing rotten support beams. Fun, I tell ya!