Years between Posts.

I think Piper said that......... " I love how you have years in between posts"

Yes I do, Piper, because there is so much time in between that I can hardly bear to deal with.

So, is it really wrong, that I read a few years of my blogging efforts, and find that I crack my own ass up?

What did Confucious say....... "woman that fly plane upside down have crack up."????

My grandmother learned how to fly a plane....... I just crack my own ass up. With no pilots license.

Humpty Dumpty was cracked....

Oh Gawd!

Here I have gone yet again, where no sane woman should go! Into the hellish halls and back alleys of internet dating.

Now, I am a strong woman, I am even perhaps a brave woman. Shall I also admit that I am sometimes a foolish woman? Meaning, one who can be fooled?

And yeah. And fooled I was. Or was it that I was just, oh, hopeful? Could be.

So there I was, recently "single" again. Meaning that I was no longer exclusive....... with "Mr. Too Nice but kinda Weird Guy". So once again, I jumped into the fray.

Lots of guys, which stands to reason if you go on a site called "Plenty of Fish". Lots of guys. I am always surprised at who contacts me....... I just sit and wait, I don't usually contact any of them first. But even tho I am quite clear in my profile, some mighty inappropriate "matches" seem to be attracted to me. I sort through them fairly quickly, while maintaining consideration, you know, I'm not mean or anything.

In my profile, I make it clear that I like horses, Harleys and fishing. Also a sense of humor, and I don't do religion, politics or spectator sports. So, finally when one guy contacted me, that seemed like a really dead on match, I was excited. He even had a killer sense of humor! I was ready to meet him! Which I did.

Well, he looked like Humpty Dumpty. Now did I mention that I am fairly tolerant of some things and hugely intolerant of others? I can deal with a bit of digression away from the "tall dark and handsome" which would be optimal in the physical department. So I decided to continue on. Even tho he had a bad tooth, by the way.

(No, let's not talk about my tooth, this isn't the time or place.)

He had a bad tooth, so much so, that I couldn't decide whether to nickname him SnaggleTooth instead of Humpty Dumpty. All my men have had their own special name.

I have had..... uh, McKrackhead, the Voice, PPM, and others that were so brief, I have forgotten them. Oh, and StudMuffin 1, and StudMuffin 2. Some just earned the generic name of JackAss. There was one infamous one, that couldn't be called anything but....... (careful here, for my nice nieces) uh, TeenyWeenieWobblyNobbly.

Nuff Said. Sorry girls.

Anyway, I was thinking that Humpty Dumpty was a pretty dang good match for me, except for the afforementioned traits. He looked like a Large Egg, with a hang dog tooth. I could get over that, as long as he made me laugh, rode horses with me, took me on the back of his Harley, and went fishing! Thought it just might work out!

Until the "Move". Oh, not that move yet, the other move. The one where he was moving from Tonasket to Sunnyside. The other move came soon after.

So I was gonna help him move. Being the romantic that I am, and loving living in a slightly unconventional way, I really wanted to see how this man had lived for the past six years, in the wilds of Tonasket on his acreage on the river. I drove up with him, had a wonderful talk in the truck on the way, all about respect, waiting for things to be right, yada yada yada.... before anything happened.... finding the perfect special place and time....... I had all the time I "needed", according to him.

Then we arrived. Dead smack on the highway. Barely across the railroad tracks. Wait! Was that shitty trailer really what he had been living in? Wait. Don't jump to conclusions. It probably looks way better inside.

Wrong. As soon as I stepped inside, my olfactory senses were assaulted with dirty dog and mold smell. I had no sooner registered those things, when I was also assaulted by him! Yes, Humpty Dumpty Snaggle Tooth, was grabbing me for a kiss, but that's not all! He was grabbing my boobs, and altho I was protesting heavily and running away from him, he managed to grope my crotch, and anything else he could lay a hand or two on!

So much for all that bullshit he spouted!

Finally he quit..... but not before he totally ruined any emotional attraction I had for him. I got through the day, helped him move, kept a pleasant demeanor, got home, went to sleep, and woke up the next day totally pissed.

Some of us are slower than others.

So, I wrote him an email, nicely told him where the bear shit, not to contact me etc, then I blocked his phone #, blocked his email, and bought a 357 magnum.

I can't wait. This will be like Mafia Wars, only in real life!

Just kidding. I have no gun. The word is always mightier than the sword, anyhow.

NEXT!

The Cabin

The Cabin, or should I say, the Double High Knuckle Ranch?

I am moving, out of the Vortex where I have resided for a year, and tried to sell for about 2 years, up to the hills, into a cabin. And when I say cabin, it is definitely a cabin. It has electricity, but no running water. I have a deal with the owners, I fix it up at my expense, and I can live there rent free for a year.

So, I start to do the math. How much is it worth to live somewhere for a year? How much should I allot for rent? That pretty much puts a cap on how much I want to spend.....

The wiring was frightening. Someone who had little or no clue, did it. All the wires went under the house, stapled to the joists, and came up through the studs. So did all the bugs, sage bugs to be exact. Millions of them. I took off all the cheap paneling, and discovered that the majority of insulation was dead bugs. Ick. Oh, and the wasps came in through all the holes up above that the woodpeckers had pecked under the eaves..... hundreds of them. Wasps, not holes.

I don't care to share my abode with the insect world, so I have speedily proceeded to remedy those situations.

I have caulked, I have had an electrician rewire the entire cabin, I have plugged all the under house holes with steel wool, I have gone around with that expanding foam and foamed the hell out of the place. I replaced the R7 insulation with R13. I am putting up sheetrock in place of the paneling. I hope that will do the trick.

I tried my hand and hammer at framing, and put up a small closet. It had none. Now it has one. I moved the wood stove which was sitting on loose bricks ( with hundreds of dead bugs in between) and I am putting in a river rock stone hearth. I am rocking the wall behind the stove. I must admit, it will look so bitching when I am done.

Now the fun part, is that it has no running water. Electricity yes, but no running water. I have a small reservoir tank, which I can fill, which is plumbed to the hot water tank, and the shower and bathroom sink. It has no kitchen plumbing, so this is another challenge. Fortunately, I have a few male friends which are not as plumbing challenged as I am, so I am willing to let them impress me.

Notice I didn't mention a toilet? It HAD a plumbed toilet which I promptly removed and took to the dump. I have absolutely NO desire to haul water, just to flush a toilet, when a readily available and easy solution is to be had. I am putting in a minature version of a composting toilet, AKA the sawdust toilet. Basically it is a 5 gallon bucket, built into a wooden box, topped off with a nice toilet seat that you do your stuff into. Everytime, you cover it with a layer of sawdust or humus type material. It doesn't smell, it is totally hygienic, but it DOES take some getting used to not to flush the toilet. When the bucket is full, it is taken out to the compost pile, covered with more material (straw or leaves) and left to compost for up to a year. The pile is contained so that animals don't get into it, and when it is ready, can be used on the garden.

Seriously! My son Jamie has been using a sawdust toilet for quite some time, and swears by it. I told a girlfriend about the concept, and she put one in her "Shackteau", and said it was the best! Much better than an outhouse by far, and even better than one of those expensive composting toilets which can cost up to a thousand dollars or more.....

I love the internet! The things you find there! That's where I found this. Just google "Humanure".

So I can have my horse up there and ride forever........ it butts up to DNR land, and I cannot wait! That black beauty needs to be ridden.

And me? I can hike "Mels Mountain" and get in shape for the Pacific Crest Trail trek that I keep saying I want to do some day.......

Right from my doorstep.

And the view, yes, I have a view of the Ellensburg Valley.... while sitting on my deck... with a cool one.

I have the whole southern side of the cabin all in glass. For a sun loving gal like me, that is heaven. I have lived in homes where I had no sun, too many trees, and a location on the southern slope (which means way less sun). Depressing and moldy.

Oh, and it has a creek running through the property.... if I go down to it, I cannot see a house, a road, not a soul. That is where I plan on putting the "beer garden" and my hot tub. Now, this is not just ANY hot tub, but a serious hot tub. I will get a claw foot bathtub, build it over a "tube" that runs underneath it, up to a stove pipe on one end, and a little firepit dug in the ground at the other end.

Once you light a fire in the firepit, you go and get a draft going in the "chimney" on the other, and it makes a whoosh like a rocket, and creates a draft for the fire to keep burning. It heats air underneath the tub, and heats the tub up so much, you have to have a wooden board to sit on so you don't burn your ass.

Now you just wait for the cannibals to come out of the woods to see if you are "done".

On a clear night with a glass of wine, stars..... what more could a girl ask for?

Except for maybe that "man" to share it with sometimes.......

He's gonna have to be quite the man, to keep up with me. Doncha think?

Friends Will Be Friends

Another red letter day
So the pound has dropped and the children are creating
The other half ran away
Taking all the cash and leaving you with the lumber
Got a pain in the chest
Doctor's on strike
What you need is a rest

It's not easy love, but you've got friends you can trust
Friends will be friends
When you're in need of love they give you care and attention
Friends will be friends
When you're through with life and all hope is lost
Hold out your hands, 'cuz friends will be friends right til the end

Now it's a beautiful day
The postman delivered a letter from your lover
Only a phone call away
You tried to track him down but somebody stole his number
As a matter of fact
You're getting used to life without him in your way

It's so easy love, 'cuz you got friends you can trust
Friends will be friends
When you're in need of love they give you care and attention
Friends will be friends
When you're through with life and all hope is lost
Hold out your hands, 'cuz friends will be friends right til the
end

It's so easy now, 'cuz you got friends you can trust
Friends will be friends
When you're in need of love they give you care and attention
Friends will be friends
When you're through with life and all hope is lost
Hold out your hands
Friends will be friends
Right to the end
Friend will be friends
When you're in need of love they give you care and attention
Friends will be friends
When you're through with life and all hope is lost
Hold out your hand, 'cuz right til the end
Friends will be friends, yeah

Free cat, with small rehoming fee.....

Cat from the Devil (Ellensburg)

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Reply to: comm-zcaam-1063965755@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}
Date: 2009-03-06, 9:03PM PST


OK, so here is the deal. Back when I was married, with children living at home, my son had some girls that gave him a little black kitten. My daughter had a boyfriend that gave her a little gray and white kitten. Not to be outdone, I found a kitten for myself. Three kittens. Should have been OK, but when they became teenagers, all heck broke loose. The black cat earned the nicknames "Coniption" or as I preferred to call her, "Al Quida" She decided to terrorize my cat, who developed quite the victim complex.

My son left home, my daughter left home, I left home. I took my cat with me, and the other cats remained with the ex-husband. After awhile, he decided to not let the other two cats into the house anymore, and then he neglected to feed them. Finally, I rescued the other cats from him and brought them to my new house. They were SO skinny and half starved. They have now gained their weight back, and winter is almost over. But Coniption just beats the heck out of my cat! Now my kittys tail looks like it has some sort of poodle clip, because she is missing so much hair from it.

Enough is enough.

As far as cats go, Coniption isn't too bad, (except for her bullying tendencies). She uses a litter box, almost exclusively, even though the other cats prefer the great outdoors to poop and pee in. She begs for your food whenever you are eating. If you don't watch her, she will jump on the counter or the table to try to get food. The other cats have better manners. Coniption likes men better than women, (or at least me), but she is basically friendly and loving. She will curl up in your lap. She can hold her own against dogs. Nice to children. Just meaner than snot to my poor cat.

She is fixed, and has had her shots. Except the final one that I am tempted to give her.

Her options are this: Quit beating up my cat, (not gonna happen), go back to live with the animal abuser, my ex spouse, a trip to the local chinese restaurant, or you.

You can save her. A small rehoming fee applies. I will give you $1.00 to take this monster off my hands. I am sure you won't regret it.

Round Peg in a Square Hole

What a weekend! I am still reeling from the fun of it all, but contemplating the seriousness of it all at the same time. Where do I start?

I have a good friend, as good a friend, as friends can be. Carl. Love that man! This is the type of man/friend who calls it as he sees it, who is not afraid to be introspective, who is not afraid to see a different viewpoint, who is not afraid to be challenged, and is not afraid to bring all those strengths to his daily life actions and interactions.

I like to think I am the same way. I HOPE I am the same way. But I catch myself sometimes. I catch myself trying to fit myself (a round peg) into a relationship or situation that doesn't really work (a square hole).

I think we all do this sometimes. We want to make nice, we want to not make waves, we want things to sail smoothly. We think that what we are presented with, is the best we can hope for, the best we deserve, the best we can get, whether it be jobs, finances, living situations or relationships.

So we struggle with "our reality". We keep on going to that job that sucks the life out of us. We complain about the money we don't have, but never quite find the answer to obtain what we need. We continue to live in a situation that we find uncomfortable, or even downright intolerable without figuring out how to change it. We find ourselves being swept along in a relationship that has already had several red flags raised.

But sometimes we get a knock along side the head. A knock that "puts some sense" back into us. Sometimes we get a series of knocks, one right after the other. (What do I have to do to get your attention?)

I think I have a concussion.

I recently lost my jobs. As in plural. Not one, but two. I worked two jobs for the past couple of years, just to try to keep my head above water. It was tough, working 7 days a week for months on end. But it was tougher to all of a sudden not have any job to go to. My income was cut totally in half, even with unemployment. Bills that I had struggled to pay when I was working, just don't get paid now. I am rethinking my whole financial outlook. What I was doing, no matter how hard I was doing it, wasn't working, and once the Universe lobbed me a good smack, I have had no choice but to scrutinize my desires, my goals, my beliefs, my willingness and my motivation. I am undergoing a metamorphosis.

And relationships. Ah, the dating dilemma. Being single now, for a couple of years, I have had the pleasure and pain of trying to make a connection with the opposite sex. Not an easy task I found out. I have gone out with many a toad. Usually just once, but some of the ones with less warts, got another date or two out of me.

Recently, I joined the dating fray again, and thought I had some better success. Most of them were just "one timers" but a couple were not. One of them I actually recently dated for several months, taking it really slow. Reeeaaaaally Slow.

There was some "substance" there. There was kindness there. There was generousity. Introspection. All good qualities. I require those in a relationship.

But there was some fucking weirdness there also. I tried to overlook it, I tried to shove it off to the side, ignore it, hide my irritation and discomfort. After all, there was a LOT of other "nice" qualities.... very "nice" qualities.

I juggled my thoughts and feelings over the small ones...... like what grown man tells you he has to go "peepee"? Or says "oopsie" all the time? Or "allrighty then"? And the jokes that just weren't funny? Trust me, they just weren't funny.

The inner bitch raised her head, just a tad.

I try to make her behave, that inner bitch. But being the bitch that she is, she finds a way to make her feelings known, no matter what I want.

Carl helped point that out to me. He knows me that well. I am transparent to him, because he pays attention.

But it was those HUMONGOUS red flags, the ones that obliterated the vision and hope of where I wanted to go with this relationship, even tho it wasn't all that far. It was THOSE flags, that got me to look at myself.

Why am I willing to settle? Why don't I have the trust and belief in myself and my "deservedness"? Why am I trying to stuff my round peg self into a square hole relationship?

So, coming back to center, finding my truth and embracing it, I honored myself and my value.

I dumped the dork.

By Popular Request

I have promised to update my blog.....to satisfy the voyeuristic tendencies of some readers. Where shall I start? I suppose I shall catch up on my dating escapades, capture my thoughts and inclinations before they are doomed to that fuzzy half recall when the initial horror has passed.

Most recent first. Last night. Oh, the horror! The horror!

But let's back up, and lay the background a bit. Since I work in a truck brokering firm, I talk to truck drivers on a daily basis. I met my good friend Carl on the phone. He is a truck driver. I loved his voice from the moment I heard it. I still love his voice. He has the best.voice.evah. After a couple of years of business talk, he "invited" me out to dinner when he was coming through town. Because I thought it would be prudent to be cautious, I arranged for my friend and boss Pam to perform a reconnaissance mission on him, to check him out to make sure he wasn't short, fat and disgustingly ugly. He passed, so I went out to dinner with him and decided that he was fabulous. We have been fast friends ever since. Too bad he has a silly bimbo for a girlfriend. I am waiting for him to see the light.

Meanwhile I date. Back to last nights date. So this OTHER truck driver hauled a load for me, and talking to him on the phone, he seemed to have a good sense of humor. The banter flew fast and furious. He called me after hours, (while I was on a date with eyebrow man), and asked me if 1) I was married, 2) if I had a boyfriend, 3) if I wanted a boyfriend, and 4) if I would go out to dinner with him when he came through town.

Since I had such good luck with Carl, I said "maybe". Besides, he had the cool name of Rock.

So last night, I did, I went to dinner with him.

I go to pick him up at the Shell Station. He wasn't quite ready for me, and it took him several minutes of ???????? before he exited his truck. (Just what was he doing?) Later he apologized, saying that he hadn't been out of his truck for several hours. (Can you say "trucker toilet"?)

He climbed into my truck, and I noticed this all pervasive cloying odor of cheap dollar store cologne on him that would gag a maggot. I mean seriously! I am sure it was meant to be alluring, but it was odious. I would much rather have smelled his stinky cigarette aroma instead. The mixture was heinous. Rhymes with anus.

He gives me the once over, and tells me that he likes what he sees. Great.

We drive to the diner, and to my credit, I don't roll the windows down and stick my head out for air like a labrador. I have good manners like that.

So we eat dinner, and the man just keeps STARING at me!!! He asks me if I am disappointed, he asks me if he passes.... (don't say gas, just don't do it) He leaned over me and gave me a squeeze and asked me if everything is OK. Oh please. I steer the conversation to something safe, like children. He tells me that his youngest is 22, and for some reason, still lives with his mother. I tell him that my youngest is also 22 and for some odd reason also still lives with his mother. He gets my drift, and then says "So, I guess you won't be taking me home with you tonight?"

What do you, dear readers think?

Finally the intermitable dinner is over and I am driving him back. He asks to see my hand, then proceeds to fondle and stroke it before I overcame my shock and took it back. I threw up a little bit in my mouth, but he didn't know it. Good manners once more.

So, I pull up, he says, "am I gonna get a hug?"

I say, "no".

"Oh. Well, do you want to get out and see the inside of my truck?"

I say "no".

"Oh, I just thought maybe you had never seen one."

I say, "I have."

OK, bye. Bu bye now, bu bye

I called my friend Carl, and he had to talk me down for an hour and a half.....

Later Carl texted me and asked me if I was gonna be doing any "Rock climbing" in my dreams....

What a funny man!