Round Peg in a Square Hole

What a weekend! I am still reeling from the fun of it all, but contemplating the seriousness of it all at the same time. Where do I start?

I have a good friend, as good a friend, as friends can be. Carl. Love that man! This is the type of man/friend who calls it as he sees it, who is not afraid to be introspective, who is not afraid to see a different viewpoint, who is not afraid to be challenged, and is not afraid to bring all those strengths to his daily life actions and interactions.

I like to think I am the same way. I HOPE I am the same way. But I catch myself sometimes. I catch myself trying to fit myself (a round peg) into a relationship or situation that doesn't really work (a square hole).

I think we all do this sometimes. We want to make nice, we want to not make waves, we want things to sail smoothly. We think that what we are presented with, is the best we can hope for, the best we deserve, the best we can get, whether it be jobs, finances, living situations or relationships.

So we struggle with "our reality". We keep on going to that job that sucks the life out of us. We complain about the money we don't have, but never quite find the answer to obtain what we need. We continue to live in a situation that we find uncomfortable, or even downright intolerable without figuring out how to change it. We find ourselves being swept along in a relationship that has already had several red flags raised.

But sometimes we get a knock along side the head. A knock that "puts some sense" back into us. Sometimes we get a series of knocks, one right after the other. (What do I have to do to get your attention?)

I think I have a concussion.

I recently lost my jobs. As in plural. Not one, but two. I worked two jobs for the past couple of years, just to try to keep my head above water. It was tough, working 7 days a week for months on end. But it was tougher to all of a sudden not have any job to go to. My income was cut totally in half, even with unemployment. Bills that I had struggled to pay when I was working, just don't get paid now. I am rethinking my whole financial outlook. What I was doing, no matter how hard I was doing it, wasn't working, and once the Universe lobbed me a good smack, I have had no choice but to scrutinize my desires, my goals, my beliefs, my willingness and my motivation. I am undergoing a metamorphosis.

And relationships. Ah, the dating dilemma. Being single now, for a couple of years, I have had the pleasure and pain of trying to make a connection with the opposite sex. Not an easy task I found out. I have gone out with many a toad. Usually just once, but some of the ones with less warts, got another date or two out of me.

Recently, I joined the dating fray again, and thought I had some better success. Most of them were just "one timers" but a couple were not. One of them I actually recently dated for several months, taking it really slow. Reeeaaaaally Slow.

There was some "substance" there. There was kindness there. There was generousity. Introspection. All good qualities. I require those in a relationship.

But there was some fucking weirdness there also. I tried to overlook it, I tried to shove it off to the side, ignore it, hide my irritation and discomfort. After all, there was a LOT of other "nice" qualities.... very "nice" qualities.

I juggled my thoughts and feelings over the small ones...... like what grown man tells you he has to go "peepee"? Or says "oopsie" all the time? Or "allrighty then"? And the jokes that just weren't funny? Trust me, they just weren't funny.

The inner bitch raised her head, just a tad.

I try to make her behave, that inner bitch. But being the bitch that she is, she finds a way to make her feelings known, no matter what I want.

Carl helped point that out to me. He knows me that well. I am transparent to him, because he pays attention.

But it was those HUMONGOUS red flags, the ones that obliterated the vision and hope of where I wanted to go with this relationship, even tho it wasn't all that far. It was THOSE flags, that got me to look at myself.

Why am I willing to settle? Why don't I have the trust and belief in myself and my "deservedness"? Why am I trying to stuff my round peg self into a square hole relationship?

So, coming back to center, finding my truth and embracing it, I honored myself and my value.

I dumped the dork.