Yes Virginia, there IS a Tooth Fairy!!!!

My tooth. Well it broke off one day. It was capped, so I went to the dentist and they glued it back in. It lasted about a year I think. Then I was eating some caramel or some such thing, and it came out again. Another $75.00 later, it was glued back in again. I was hoping that it would last another year, but no such luck, I couldn't seem to keep away from those cap sucking off foods. So then I decided to do the redneck thing, and I polydented it into my head. Cool. It lasted for about a day at a time, but at least I didn't look like a loser when I smiled.

One day I was drinking (surprise surprise) and it came out with whatever dinner I was eating at the time. So I put in on my plate while I was playing internet marbles, or chatting online or some such thing....... a bit later I realized it was missing, and tried to find it. I was reduced to admitting to my housemates, Piper and Zoe that the damn thing was missing. I knew it must have been on my plate or something...... that was taken to the sink. Well, those girls laughed their asses off, and it turns out that it was brushed off the counter onto the floor..... damn that Piper, she said she thought it was a piece of CORN or something......

Back in my mouth after a solid washing.

Gotta be able to smile without covering my mouth, after all.

Things were fine for awhile, until I decided to clean one day. I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. I cleaned my ass off. I took the vacuum, I cleaned beside my bed and nightstand, I cleaned in my bathroom, I cleaned my nightstand off, I cleaned the throw that was on my dresser in the bathroom, I cleaned everything. What a good girl!

Next morning, I get ready for work, I go to put in my tooth, and the damn thing is nowhere to be found! Nowhere!

Later that day, I ask Piper and Zoe, but no, they haven't seen it. I go through the garbage, I go through the nasty beans that Zoe threw away. I move my bed, I move my nightstand, I move my dresser. I look everywhere I can think of. I look under the computer desk, I look under my keyboard, I go through the vacuum cleaner dirt, I paw in the grass where I cleaned the vacuum filter. Nothing.

I actually have looked for a couple of months for this tooth. Just the other night, I moved my dresser again and looked. Nothing.

Fast forward to today. I come home and find Zoe moving out. The other roommate has mostly moved out also. Zoe picks up this little thing off the kitchen table and says "Is this your tooth"?

I freak out! My tooth! My tooth! My tooth! I can date again without covering up my mouth when I smile! Holy Shit! My tooth!

I thought that the washer repair man must have found it in the washing machine today, he did come to repair it after all. I feel enormous affection for Mr. WasherFixit.

But then when the other roommate came home, the mystery was solved. She had found it beside the washing machine, on the floor when she was mopping up a bit of water....... that the Appliance Doctor had left behind.

Holy Cow!

There IS a Tooth Fairy, and she has visited me! Hurray!

Life is Good!

Dating

Oh boy, where do I start? First of all, how do you start dating again when you are in your 50's? I mean, come on, you don't go to high school or college anymore, where there are dudes everywhere you turn! At least I don't. I work in an office, a 3 woman office. Granted, I talk to men all day long, being a truck broker. But really! Most of them can hardly speak English! And since I am a great lover of the English language and all it's nuances, the pickings are slim. My favorite person to talk to these days, trucker/dispatcher wise, is a young East Indian boy by the name of Aman. 23 years old. Same age as Jenna. So, the pickings are really "none".

To compensate, I have ventured a teeny bit into the online dating scene. Met a grand guy in Iowa. Do you know how far Iowa is from Washington? A long ways, a damn long ways.

Then there were assorted freaks........ do I need elaborate? Like the dude that was so fucked up in one email that he couldn't even type anymore? Delete. Or the one that ranted about Mormons, spouting off all sorts of weird facts which I later debunked on snopes.com. Of course. Or the one that I actually met, that said the N word. Delete. How about the one that explained his missing tooth and told me that it was in his medicine cabinet at home? Nice guy, but had some sort of "why are you avoiding me" complex. Delete. Oh, and what about the other one that I went on a couple of dates with that kept sending me political rightwing bullshit on about 3 different emails, even though I asked him not to? Delete.

Back to the nicer guys. How about the one that I actually visited, way down at the bottom of the state of Oregon. Liked him, but I liked him more than he liked me. He actually rejected me not only once, but twice. I still talk to him and he wants to come up and visit me. Isn't there something wrong with this picture? I am just a bit hesitant.

Then there was another local one. Seemed OK, seemed promising except for the occasional reference to how much money he spent on his daughters Christmas presents..... oh, and the rude offside comments to me.... Like..... "don't cut your hair, you will get farther if you don't cut your hair." WTF? Or when he told me about some gay girl he knows, that always gets better looking chicks than he does, and he can't figure it out..... oh, and when he told me his dilemmas..... having to find a house to buy, and having to find a girlfriend......

Chopped Liver. Delete. Oh, wait, he deleted me first. But I would have wised up soon enough.

Now for the young ones. Yes, there are some young ones, StudMuffin1 and StudMuffin2. That should say it all. Kind of fun in emails, text messages, and the phone, but really! Where could this possibly go?

Sigh.

Is it any wonder that I kind of said "no more"? Oh, I forgot to mention the scammer that I strung along for awhile, trying to decide just where in the hell he was going with the whole charade. I think he was some scrawny Ethiopian sitting at some computer, thinking that he could get some money out of a desperate rich American woman. Well, I am American, and I am a woman, but the others just don't compute. Finally I said "who the hell are you really?????"

Delete.

But I keep my eyes open, I look every once in awhile. Sometimes I see someone that interests me a bit, and I approach carefully. It hasn't worked yet, there was the nice guy in Yakima, that smoked like a chimney, was missing half his bottom teeth, and looked like a walking cadaver.

Delete nicely.

Oh, and that other nice guy from Ellensburg that I outweighed by about 75 pounds. But we had a fabulous day nevertheless, we saw 23 eagles that day. Little munchkins don't do it for me. Amazons didn't do it for him.

How can I forget Shehezit? Yes, I wasn't sure if he was man or woman, I was certainly intrigued. Had to find out more. I mean, come on? We can sometimes surprise ourselves with our choices, now can't we? So I met him, he was a fabulous artist, Native American, I really liked him, but just way too feminine for me. I guess I just really like masculine. No gay girl here. But he played a heck of a mean slide guitar also, and was so interesting. Back to the drawing board.

So what do I want? I can be picky, since this is just all conjecture and virtual fun.

Humor. He better be damn funny.

Humor. He better think I am damn funny.

Humor. He better think the world is damn funny.

Taller than me. I just like that. I am shallow like that.

Not an alcoholic, not a racist, not a bigot, not a right wing fanatic. Not a fanatic at all.

Humor. Did I mention that?

Adventurous.

Oh, and smart.

Have I left anything out?

How about humor?

Oh, wait, he better think I am freaking awesome, because I am.

So there, that is my story and I am sticking to it.

My Self Disappointment

Yes, I have been naughty, I have been bad, I am highly disappointed in myself. Not enough however, to change or stop my behavior. For the moment at least.

So the deal is this. There is this jackass that posts online, that is SO racist, SO bigoted, SO unpleasant, SO obnoxious, SO highly offensive, that I have succumbed to his "charm", and found myself right on his level.

Yes, I have done it. I have proceeded to make an ass of myself on the internet. I have let him have it with both barrels (which in my case, can be considerable). Not content to just let it be, I continue to badger him with ridicule. I just can't help myself. I even set up a nice new email address, in case he responds to any of my taunts. A trick I learned from my niece, Anna Marie.

So my new email address is youarearacistpig@hotmail.com

So far, no bites. But soon perhaps. The fun part is, that if he responds, the email I send back will come from it. I love it.

How disappointing, how childish I have become. When is Lent? Perhaps I can give up my persecution of him for Lent. Or not.

But Seriously, this man is a boil on the ass of humanity. I mean Seriously!

I have unleashed my inner demon, not for the first time, and he should watch out.