He is Home!

Yup! He came home! Of course we had to get him in the middle of the night instead of the early evening, but it's all good. Rusty and Brook and Jenna and Val and I went down to the airport with balloons, snacks and a lot of excitement! He came home, all 200 lbs of him! He endured a lot of big butt jokes from all of us, and it was great fun. His dad showed up also, as did the Wyatt family, the ones I hold responsible for the past two years. (only kidding a little)

By the time all was said and done, it was past 2 am in the morning, and we were all dead tired. The next day I took him to get "released", and it was kind of emotional. He is one great kid.

Then off to take care of the most urgent need, a cell phone. Then groceries, cleaning his "digs" at his fathers house, and the final chore of the day was getting a car. I must admit, I am an awesome kick ass Mommy, I found him a little geo metro that only needed a battery, and he got it for $100. But wait, there's more! He didn't even have to come up with the cash, he is going to work it off in labor!

As ND would say......."SWEET!!!"

I slept like a dead woman last night. It is nice to have him home. And even sweeter, Jamie is flying in tomorrow and we are all having a great dinner at Rusty's house.

How great is that?

My Bad

OK, sorry guys, I know that photo was heinous....... but imagine how my source felt when a worm was found in the loo! I mean really! Isn't that just the grossest thing ever?

My source continues to find some very disturbing, uh, creatures, or so she says.

I have upped my tea at night, but found it to have painful consequences in the early am. I shall have only the recommended amount from now on.

And I still have nothing exciting of my own to report. Mores the pity.

But! Willie is coming home tomorrow! He arrives at the Yakima airport in the early evening, and he will find a decently large welcoming committee to greet him. Man! It has been a LONG couple of years!

I will do my best to perform a painless debriefing and reintroduction into civilian life.

Ha!

The Plot Thickens

OK, here is the scoop on the poop.

I have been bored with the whole experience, it is a pain to wake up in the morning, take the 4 parasite killing herbal capsules, wait 15 minutes and then drink the icky banana flavored fiber atrocity before I can really start my day with my coffee ritual. There have been a couple of days (like this morning) when I just couldn't do it. I skipped everything but the coffee.

HOWEVER!!!

Everything has changed! I have it from an excellent source who wished to remain anonymous, that her poop contained a worm this morning!!!!!!!!

Oh for gross! (No, that is NOT her or her worms)

Then later, this same source informed me that there were some weird looking things like egg sacs in said poop! How disgusting!

Then later yet, (what a pooping fool my source must be), there were MORE worms! Yes! I trust my source impeccably, so I have no doubt as to the veracity of the testimony.

But still, this is MY shitty blog, and I want to be able to give a first hand account of some pooping atrocities.

I am going to attack the colonic cleansing program with renewed fervor, so that I can be horrified at what is "exiting the building". And no, it won't be Elvis.

I am waiting for a miracle (isn't that a song?)

Oh, and Kelsey? I know you have seen that photo before, it kinda reminds you of your mother, now doesn't it?

ABC Tag from Kelsey

ABC Tag"
A- Attached or single: Single
B- Best Friend: Currently none
C- Cake or Pie: Cheesecake, with strawberries on top
D- Day of Choice: None, I work every day, so I have no favorite
E- Essential Item: My computer
F- Favorite Color: sage green
G- Gummi Bears or Worms: either and or both
H- Hometown: Bellevue, WA
I- Indulgence(s): my coffee in bed in the morning.... with half and half
K- Kids: four very grown up ones
L- Life is incomplete without: DVR
M- Marriage Date: which one?
N- Number of Siblings:5 brothers and 2 sisters
O- Oranges or Apples: Apples for sure. Altho oranges are nice...
P- Phobias or Fears: Crunching down unintentionally on a malted milk ball.... *shudders*
Q- Quote(s): "It's all just part of the adventure"
R- Restaurant: Oh, probably El Caporel
T- Tag Six: I don't know six people who are actively blogging. *glares at Demeree*
U- Unknown Fact About Me: Unfortunately, I am an open book. I tell everything within 10 minutes.
V- Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animal: I am an equal opportunity masticator. I eat it all.
W- Worst Habit: zoning out, and not hearing a word you just said....
X- X-Rays or Ultrasounds: I prefer x rays, they don't involve a bladder (at times) near to rupturing.
Y- Your Favorite Food: A kick ass Pizza, preferably gourmet chicken garlic. Oh, and artichokes.
Z: Zodiac: Leo/Virgo (on the cusp)

There! That was for Kelsey, of the kidnapped body. Sorry honey, the alien wins every time! Although SERIOUSLY! Vitamin B6 was the only thing that was able to help me out of bed before 4pm every afternoon for the first 5 months.

My schedule:

Lie in bed groaning, trying not to move.

Eating soda crackers in a prone position.

On very rare occasions, puking.

Watching Star Trek. Every day.

Getting up at 4pm to do the previous days dishes.

Being grateful I didn't have a job.

Cooking dinner and creating dirty dishes for the next day.....

Fun, huh?

The Not so Prodigal Son Returns

Yes, it is true! Young Son, AKA Willie, soon to be known as the former "Elder Banks" is coming home! Hurray! That is such sweet music to his Mommy's ears! (Those would be my ears, whose else?)

It is less than a week when he will grace our doorsteps again and brighten our hearts with his presence. Tomorrow it will be exactly 2 years since he left for the North Carolina Spanish Speaking Mission. Two LONG years! In that time, I have talked to him about 4 times. Once on each Mothers Day, and once on each Christmas. Not a lot of contact! He wrote letters and emails, as did I. I really started to fall down in the letter dept, I just couldn't seem to get into it much, emails were so much easier.

For those who don't know what the little pyromaniac is doing in the above picture, it is standard Missionary custom to mark the passage of time with a symbolic "burning" of the vestments. After a missionary has been in the field for 6 months, he burns a tie. After 12 months, he burns a shirt. At 18 months, he burns a pair of slacks, and when the 2 year mark has been reached, he burns an entire suit! I guess it helps with packing, I don't know.

Now I am wondering just why he already burned his suit when it wasn't a full two years yet? Did he jump the gun, or is my timetable awry?

I got a Valentines Day card from him the other day. Oh, it was SO sweet to go to the Post Office, and find a pink envelope for me from him. I wanted to savor it, so I clutched it to my breast as I walked back to work, wondering what sweet sentiment I would find inside.

I climbed the stairs, sat down, and proceeded to open it. It was bulky, there was obviously something inside besides just a card. When I pulled out the card, I noticed something fall out, but I was much more focused on the sweet message inside. It went something like this:

Dearest Mother,

Happy Valentines Day! Sister Teruingu says "Be proud to be HIV free! Get tested!"

So then I looked at what fell out, and yes, it was a condom.

What a guy.....

He went on to tell me "I love you Mommy!" (He knows I am a sucker for being called Mommy)

"I am practicing safe missionary work!"

"Love Young Son" <------ still a bit crude

Well! Don't I feel special? I mean, HOW many mothers of Missionary boys got a condom from them on Valentines Day? Just me I venture to guess!

So back to the big day! He comes home, we will all hug and cry and be unbelievably happy! Rusty will be hosting a welcome home Willie dinner on Saturday, March 1st, and I was able to get Jamie to come also! All the way from San Diego! It should be great fun, because the kids haven't all been together for such a long time. I don't even remember the last time.

Let the Fun begin!

Cleaning Up My Act/Spring Has Sprung

OK, a small break in all the poopy talk. Or maybe not. I guess I shall just have to see what happens here, ya never know where the mind is gonna take me.

I am at work, the phones are slow, we are just waiting to see what happens, who shows up. I am feeling very sassy today, or as Pam, my boss calls it, saucy. Saucy/Sassy, Sassy/Saucy. Same diff.

I have made my phone calls, trying to find freight, I have even called the ones that "hate" me, I am feeling THAT sassy today! (They don't really hate me, err, at least I hope they don't)

Nada. Work with me here people! I can't blog for hours! I have already regaled my co-workers with a roommate anecdote. I don't feel like playing internet marbles. It is almost time to eat my breakfast of sour grapes. Literal, not figurative. Serious, they are damn sour.

Oh! I know! The Killing has begun! That means spring is nearly here. My co-dependant cat disappeared for a short while this morning while I was getting ready for work. She got tired of me "footing" her out of my way, so she went out the window. The window in my bedroom, that has the little kitty door I made, and down the stepladder I have positioned strategically for her convenience in negotiating the transition from inside to outside. So she has gone outside. She is no longer under my feet. Good. Then back in she comes, and has brought in a harbinger of spring for me! A Vole! Perfect! Lucky for me, the vole has already expired, so I could pick it up by it's teeny weenie little tail, and fling it to it's new resting place out the front door in the snow.

I mean, have you ever tried to pick a live vole up by it's tail? It is frightening! It flips around and contorts itself to try to BITE you! The nerve! The audacity! I know of what I speak!

On the one hand, I am happy that she brought the vole in, for I know that spring is on it's way, and Gawd knows, I abhor winter. But on the other hand, I know that this also means that more killing will follow. Birds, mice, voles, and my favorite (alive) and least favorite (dead), the baby bunnies.

Sigh! I endured the heart thumping terror last spring of waking up out of a dead sleep to the sound of a huge thumping commotion in my bathroom. When I get up to check, I see this large furry rodent (A RAT???) jumping around behind my trash basket and the toilet. I finally realize it is a baby bunny (Ohhhhhhhhh!!!!!), so I pick the wee thing up to save it from the cats claws and fangs, and the little thing starts sounding off just like a smoke alarm. What a sound!!!!

Well, that was just the beginning of the baby bunnies that appeared in my bedroom last spring. There must have been a total of at least 5. It was late in the fall when they stopped arriving.

My favorite bunny was the one I put in Pipers bedroom for her to photograph. She was so confused! I woke HER up out of a dead sleep. Later, Piper and Zoe took the bunny to the vet. Lucky for the bunny! The rest of the bunnies were not that lucky. I just returned them to the wild, to fend for themselves. I can be brutal like that.

OK, not much else is coming out of the brain here, I may just go play marbles after all.

Boring.

No News is Not Much News

OK, I have taken a small hiatus from my normal once a year blog entries, to try to debunk drnatura, and so far I don't have much to report.

I seem to have horrified my son, however, in all fairness I warned him beforehand. He should know better. He is the son that was aghast when my sister was teaching me to light farts (some people are oh so juvenile), and he went up to his room, not to return until he was sure it was safe. Meanwhile, I managed to light the couch on fire. Needless to say, my sister and I were in hysterics laughing....

But I digress.

Back to the shitty issue (or non issue) at hand.

Seems like nothing of much import to report.... or should I say export. I mean, I have been exercising due diligence, and peering into the toilet expecting to jump back in fright and disgust, however, it is all just pretty much the same old shit. With minor variances which I won't bother to bore you with.

That's my report. Oh, except for the fact that those bothersome shit dreams I have continue. The latest was that I was carrying a whole laundry basket full of diluted poop (it's a dream remember) and it was SO heavy I decided that I had to pour some out into the snow. I was taking it in for analysis (someone here needs analysis) and by the time I got it to the doctor, there was only a cupful left. I could hardly imagine it would be enough for a diagnosis.

The crap I go through in my dreams! Sorry about all the crap/poop/shit jokes, but it comes with the colonic cleansing territory.

I will keep you apprised.

The Shit Hits the Fan

OK, if you are faint of heart, or squeamish, close the window now. Step away from the blog! This is not for you!

But for those of you who have unbridled curiousity, and a macabre sense of humor, and a never ending fascination with the obscure and disgusting, read on!

Now that I have your attention, buckle your seatbelts! Or hold on to your toilet seat, whatever the case may be.

I have decided, with a very small amount of prodding from my daughter to do a Colonic Cleansing with her! Yes! For those of you who have little to no idea of what I am talking about, the premise is this: We are all filled with all sorts of disgusting things that have accumulated over the years in our colons, things that would be better off expelled in the toilet and subjected to our horrified but unwavering scrutiny. Things like parasites, and things like "mucoid plaque", which is basically century old poop. In return for cleansing our colons, theoretically we are to be rewarded with better health, a clearer skin, increased energy, mental rejuvination, and of course, fodder for our blogs.

This was my present for Valentines Day and Mothers Day from my daughter. A 3 month supply of fiber, laxative tea and a parasite ridding herbal concoction. She is the best daughter EVER!

I cannot tell you how excited I am! Well, let me try. I have been plagued with shit dreams all my life. I am always immersed in shit, of some form or another. Usually, I am sitting on a toilet, doing the deed, when I realize that a whole shitload of people are in the same room as me. And there is nothing I can do about it. I have no privacy. I try to be as unobtrusive as possible, but how the hell can you wipe your ass and flush the toilet without them noticing? This seems to be the common denominator of my shit dreams.

So, I am hoping that by ridding myself of "old shit" in the present, I can rid myself of these shit dreams, or at least move on to naked dreams. I mean, give me a break!

So here is my progress so far. I have been on the program a little over a week, and don't have a lot to report. I drink my tea in the evening, it gives me a bit of cramping in the morning, and you all know the obvious result of that....... then I drink a glass of water on an empty stomach with my parasite herbal capsules, and 15 minutes later, drink my fiber stuff. Then I commence to my NORMAL schedule, and drink my coffee and wake up.

So far, nothing out of the ordinary......... except for one evening..... it was kind of like, uh, silly putty. I will leave it at that for now. But silly putty is, uh, well, kind of rubbery and stretchy, and not very fluffy.

What can I say, but SHIT! This thing might be working! But if you really want to be grossed out, go to www.drnatura.com and see all the horrific things that people claim have exited their colons with help from the program. Do not attempt this while eating!

OK, for those of you who have stuck with me, if you continue to monitor my blog, prepare to get in and dirty..... the shit is gonna hit the fan!!!!