Humpty Dumpty was cracked....

Oh Gawd!

Here I have gone yet again, where no sane woman should go! Into the hellish halls and back alleys of internet dating.

Now, I am a strong woman, I am even perhaps a brave woman. Shall I also admit that I am sometimes a foolish woman? Meaning, one who can be fooled?

And yeah. And fooled I was. Or was it that I was just, oh, hopeful? Could be.

So there I was, recently "single" again. Meaning that I was no longer exclusive....... with "Mr. Too Nice but kinda Weird Guy". So once again, I jumped into the fray.

Lots of guys, which stands to reason if you go on a site called "Plenty of Fish". Lots of guys. I am always surprised at who contacts me....... I just sit and wait, I don't usually contact any of them first. But even tho I am quite clear in my profile, some mighty inappropriate "matches" seem to be attracted to me. I sort through them fairly quickly, while maintaining consideration, you know, I'm not mean or anything.

In my profile, I make it clear that I like horses, Harleys and fishing. Also a sense of humor, and I don't do religion, politics or spectator sports. So, finally when one guy contacted me, that seemed like a really dead on match, I was excited. He even had a killer sense of humor! I was ready to meet him! Which I did.

Well, he looked like Humpty Dumpty. Now did I mention that I am fairly tolerant of some things and hugely intolerant of others? I can deal with a bit of digression away from the "tall dark and handsome" which would be optimal in the physical department. So I decided to continue on. Even tho he had a bad tooth, by the way.

(No, let's not talk about my tooth, this isn't the time or place.)

He had a bad tooth, so much so, that I couldn't decide whether to nickname him SnaggleTooth instead of Humpty Dumpty. All my men have had their own special name.

I have had..... uh, McKrackhead, the Voice, PPM, and others that were so brief, I have forgotten them. Oh, and StudMuffin 1, and StudMuffin 2. Some just earned the generic name of JackAss. There was one infamous one, that couldn't be called anything but....... (careful here, for my nice nieces) uh, TeenyWeenieWobblyNobbly.

Nuff Said. Sorry girls.

Anyway, I was thinking that Humpty Dumpty was a pretty dang good match for me, except for the afforementioned traits. He looked like a Large Egg, with a hang dog tooth. I could get over that, as long as he made me laugh, rode horses with me, took me on the back of his Harley, and went fishing! Thought it just might work out!

Until the "Move". Oh, not that move yet, the other move. The one where he was moving from Tonasket to Sunnyside. The other move came soon after.

So I was gonna help him move. Being the romantic that I am, and loving living in a slightly unconventional way, I really wanted to see how this man had lived for the past six years, in the wilds of Tonasket on his acreage on the river. I drove up with him, had a wonderful talk in the truck on the way, all about respect, waiting for things to be right, yada yada yada.... before anything happened.... finding the perfect special place and time....... I had all the time I "needed", according to him.

Then we arrived. Dead smack on the highway. Barely across the railroad tracks. Wait! Was that shitty trailer really what he had been living in? Wait. Don't jump to conclusions. It probably looks way better inside.

Wrong. As soon as I stepped inside, my olfactory senses were assaulted with dirty dog and mold smell. I had no sooner registered those things, when I was also assaulted by him! Yes, Humpty Dumpty Snaggle Tooth, was grabbing me for a kiss, but that's not all! He was grabbing my boobs, and altho I was protesting heavily and running away from him, he managed to grope my crotch, and anything else he could lay a hand or two on!

So much for all that bullshit he spouted!

Finally he quit..... but not before he totally ruined any emotional attraction I had for him. I got through the day, helped him move, kept a pleasant demeanor, got home, went to sleep, and woke up the next day totally pissed.

Some of us are slower than others.

So, I wrote him an email, nicely told him where the bear shit, not to contact me etc, then I blocked his phone #, blocked his email, and bought a 357 magnum.

I can't wait. This will be like Mafia Wars, only in real life!

Just kidding. I have no gun. The word is always mightier than the sword, anyhow.

NEXT!